"There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past."

"Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too large."

"Life is tough, then you die."

"By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth."

"Atheism is a non-prophet organization."

"I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it."

"If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase."

"But when you're in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you're guiding the whole being for the moment. No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open, completely themselves when that message hits the brain and the laugh begins. That's when new ideas can be implanted. If a new idea slips in at that moment, it has a chance to grow."

"The larger the group, the more toxic, the more of your beauty as an individual you have to surrender for the sake of group thought. And when you suspend your individual beauty you also give up a lot of your humanity. You will do things in the name of a group that you would never do on your own. Injuring, hurting, killing, drinking are all part of it, because you've lost your identity, because you now owe your allegiance to this thing that's bigger than you are and that controls you."

"To my way of thinking, there is every bit as much evidence for theexistence of UFOs as there is for the existence of God. Probably farmore. At least in the case of UFOs there have been countless tapedand filmed and, by the way, unexplained sightings from all over theworld, along with documented radar evidence seen by experiencedmilitary and civilian radar operators."

"You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with."

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam."

"Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you."

"When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat."

"The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going."

"Fuck rational thought."

"In some company it's perfectly all right to prick your finger, but very bad form to finger your prick."

"If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?"

""I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?"

"Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind."

"If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it."

"The planet is fine. The people are fucked."

"Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea."

"Bullshit is the glue that binds us as a nation."

"When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place."

"I think I am, therefore, I am... I think."

"My advice: just keep movin' straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place."

"I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad somebody in sports got stabbed. I like the idea of it; it's good entertainment. If we're lucky, it'll spread through sports. And show business, too! Wouldn't you like to see a guy jump up on stage and stab some famous singer? Especially a real shitty pop singer? Maybe they'll even start stabbing comedians. Fuck it, I'm ready! I never perform without my can of mace. I have a switchblade knife, too. I'll cut your eye out and go right on telling jokes."

"Sore loser? You bet your fuckin' ass! What on earth is wrong with being a sore loser? It shows you cared about whatever the contest was in the first place. Fuck losing graciously-that's for chumps. And losers, by the way."

"I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood."

"Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive."

"In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first."

"It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn't afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually, I think that class was called Religion. Religion class was always an easy class. All you had to do was suspend the logic and reasoning you were being taught in all the other classes."

"People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them."

"I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy."

"I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think."

"When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent."

"If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked."

"The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity."

"I think one of the problems in this country is that too many people are screwing things up, committing crimes and then getting on with their lives. What is really needed for public officials who shame themselves is ritual suicide."

"Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town."

"A good motto to live by: 'Always try not to get killed."

"Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck."

"I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in."

"Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom."

"I think we're part of a greater wisdom that we will ever understand; a higher order, call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron. It doesn't punish, it doesn't reward, it doesn't judge at all. It just is."

"Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes."

"Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure."

"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."

"No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to."