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"The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
Time

"I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories."
People

"I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it."
Listening

"Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established."
Example

""I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?"
Language

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam."
People

"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."
Purpose

"By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth."
Truth

"When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat."
America
