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Humor Quotes
"If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton you may as well make it dance."
15
"My sister has mistaken me for a mushroom. She keeps me in the dark and feeds me shit."
15
"I think part of the appeal of mathematical logic is that the formulas look mysterious - You write backward Es!"
15
"What do you think they're going to do to us when they find us guilty?" she says after a few minutes of silence have passed."Honestly?""Does now seem like the time for honesty?"I look at her from the corner of my eye. "I think they're going to force us to eat lots of cake and then take an unreasonably long nap."
15
"Maybe we could get Aiden some pants because I'm tired of looking at his junk," Jayce muttered."
15
"It may be that which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet,' but I should be loath to see a rose on a maiden's breast substituted by a flower, however beautiful and fragrant it might be, that is went by the name of the skunk lily."
15
"That's us, he said. "Those five nuts right there.Which one is me? I asked.The little deformed one, Zoe suggested.Oh, shut up."
15
"In the afternoon the ship's company assembled aft, on deck, under the awnings; the flute, the asthmatic meodeon, and the consumptive clarinet crippled the Star Spangled Banner, the choir chased it to cover, and George came in with a peculiarly lacerating screech on the final note and slaughtered it. Nobody mourned. We carried out the corpse on three cheers (that joke was not intentional and I do not endorse it)."
15
"You know for sure Jane would be annoyed she gave you all her money and you're not even enjoying it. Should have given it to me.' Myrna had shaken her head in mock bewilderment. 'I'd have known what to do with it. Boom, down to Jamaica, a nice Rasta man, a good book-''Wait a minute. You have a Rasta man and you're reading a book?''Oh, yes. Each has a purpose. For instance, a Rasta man is great when he's hard, but not a book.'Clara had laughed. They shared a disdain for hard books. Not the content, but the cover. Hardcovers were simply too hard to hold, especially in bed.'Unlike a Rasta man,' said Myrna."
15
"Hello, inner child, I'm the inner babysitter!"
15
"Every now and then, i worry about people in the third world countries. and then i figure if they all started having sex, their lives would be considerably brighter."
14
"Me and Katy look adorkable in extraterrestrialhighway shirts. You would just look stupid. You can thank me later."
14
"I check every can of Barbasol I buy for dinosaur embryos. I haven't found any yet, as evidenced by the lack of T-Rex screams in my apartment."
14
"Personally, I say, "Out of the frying pan and into the deadly pit filled with sharks who are wielding chainsaws with killer kittens stapled to them." However, that one's having a rough time catching on."
14
"I'm very fond of experimental housekeeping."
14
"Sherlock Holmes and I surveyed this curt announcement and the rueful face behind it, until the comical side of the affair so completely overtopped every other consideration that we both burst out into a roar of laughter."
14
"All right. The snow may be falling in the winter of my discontent, but at least I've got sarcastic company."
14
"Hey Susie Derkins, is that your face, or is a 'possum stuck in your collar?"
14
"I let my face go blank and nodded slowly. 'Yes. The trolls. Back. With me. Cannot form. Complete sentences.' I shook my head. 'Yeah, so not happening."
14
"A sense of humor helps us to get through the dull times, cope with the difficult times, enjoy the good times and manage the scary times."
14
"Hi there. I am the Gwarda, Breccan, the good-looking, sweet one.' He winked. 'The one thundering, yet, remaining aloof,' he said loudly and continued, 'is Darius. He's a savage, you know,' he said quietly, leaning closer like he was telling her a secret."
14
"No matter where he went in the City, there was an odoriferous mix of food and vehicles, like the alchemic concoctions of some mad gourmet mechanic: Kung Pao Saab Turbo, Buick Skylark Carbonara, Sweet-and-Sour Metro Bus, Honda Bolognese with Burning Clutch Sauce."
14
"And here I thought they were called Peeping Toms.' I didn't need to see him to know he wore a smile. 'Stop laughing,' I said, my cheeks hot with humiliation. 'Get me down.''Jump.''What?''I'll catch you.''Are you crazy? Go inside and open the window. Or get a ladder.''I don't need a ladder. Jump. I'm not going to drop you."
14
"If you don't take life seriously,Life will take you, seriously!"
14
"Crap talk, Noun. A condition where one's insecurities come spilling out of his mouth making him look like an unconfident idiot."
14
"People who don't like cats always seem to think there is some peculiar virtue in not liking them."
14
"Well, no, not married as such, but yes, there is a specific girl that I'm not married to."
14
"He held up his hand, and in it was... Oh, God. The neon-pink vibrator, glowing in the dark now. It was following her, stalking her, all the way down the yellow brick road to hell."
14
"Niagara ... is the first disappointment in the married life of many Americans who spend their honeymoon there."
14
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