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Humor Quotes
"Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling."
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"I fake fake to have a fake life. Does that make me a real horse? Buy now for $777, wooden saddle sold separately. Real horseshoes not included. Imaginary ones " neither."
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"He's like six hundred years younger than you are. I refuse to be the moral compass of our cell! Most weekends I have an intoxispell bong attached to my mouth like a respirator. I love scatological humor, and I list 'pranks involving nuclear waste' and 'making demons eat things' as my hobbies."
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"I once knew a chap who had a system of just hanging the baby on the clothes line to dry and he was greatly admired by his fellow citizens for having discovered a wonderful innovation on changing a diaper."
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"Mislabeled the sign, a cocky voice called from the door. 'Should read 'Doggie Daycare' with the number of pups packed into this place."
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"I've left specific instructions that I do not want to be brought back during a Republican administration."
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"Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind."
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"You totally need to watch the news.""Can't.""Why?""It's too depressing.""Right, because hanging with dead people isn't."
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"An atheist waving a cross at a vampire was a truly pitiful sight."
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"You're causing the world to spin again, Keirah,' Wharick teased about her druid gift with nature. 'You out of control? Do you need something to settle you down? he asked."
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"The fun we'll have tonight is called figging."
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"Denial is not just a river in Egypt."
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"Colombian humor is very black, very sarcastic."
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"I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter."
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"One revolution is like one cocktail it just gets you organized for the next."
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"Are you seeking to be offended?"
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"Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'."
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"Humor is also a way of saying something serious."
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"She picked up a taco, took a big bite, and moaned as it made its way down to her stomach. 'I want to marry this taco.'Lucky taco.'Honor stilled. That voice. That one-of-a-kind masculine scent. Bryce stood right behind her."
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"No Ghost of any common sense begins a conversation."
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"This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it."
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"We take the shortest route to the puck and arrive in ill humor."
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"Into the breach, then. Against mobs of middle-aged moms and frightening harridans we shall prevail.She nodded sharply, raising an invisible sword. "And damned be he-she-who cries, 'Hold, enough!'"Misquote Shakespeare in front of Samuel, I dare you, I told her, and she laughed."
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"He had taken to asking himself WWPD? (What Would Pia Do?)"
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"You are always looking at people like this. And then she made a face, one he couldn't possibly begin to describe."If I ever look like that, he said dryly, "precisely like that, to be more precise, I give you leave to shoot me."
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"A man will never love you or treat you as well as a store. If a man doesn't fit, you can't exchange him seven days later for a gorgeous cashmere sweater. And a store always smells good. A store can awaken a lust for things you never even knew you needed. And when your fingers first grasp those shiny, new bags."
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"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."
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"Sorry, I didn't see the big X with the words Top Secret Government Laboratory on the map, did you?"
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"As Stephanie and Lula were going after the bad guys, Lula was making preparations from the trunk of her Firebird. Stephanie looked inside and stopped breathing for a beat. 'That's a rocket launcher!' 'Yep,' Lula said. 'It's a big boy. I got it at a yard sale in the projects."
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"What do you think? Does this face make me look fat?"
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"God, you're uptight. Did the aliens maybe forget to remove your anal probe?"
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"Laughter has got to be the single healthiest activity one can perform. Just think how healthy you would be if you could sincerely laugh at that which now oppresses you."
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"Ronan," Noah said, "I have a super bad feeling.""It's called being dead," Ronan replied."
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"She did not believe that the world was a vale of tears but rather a joke that God had played and that it was idiotic to take it seriously if He himself never had."
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"Don't get married to an actress because they're also actresses in bed."
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"In examinations the foolish ask questions that the wise cannot answer."
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"I forgot my purse of laughter when I dressed this mornin'," she told me. "Have you not bought anythin' the last few days? Prices have gone up. Pay or starve, it's all one to me."
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