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"Congratulations, you have a sense of humor. And to those who didn't: Go stick your head in the mud."
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"Fool me once, shame on youfool me twice, shame on mefool me thrice, I'm gonna get the frying pan!"
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Personal Development
"As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread."
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Personal Development
"One who has both feet firmly planted in the air."
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Personal Development
"My religion consists of laughing at myself. My motto is this: As long as there is a me, there is a reason to laugh out loud!"
Author Name
Personal Development
"Well, that depends, I suppose. I heard someone once say that men dance the same way they have sex. So, if you want everyone here to think you're the kind of guy who just sits around and-" He stood up. "Let's dance."
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Personal Development
"The cleverest woman finds a need for foolish admirers."
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Personal Development
"Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual."
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Personal Development
"Comedy strikes here... just to reduce pressure and depression."
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Personal Development
"They're both bungholes who think they're too noble to shit."
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Personal Development
"She breathed an enormous sigh, looked at Poirot, Looked away, and suddenly blurted out, "You're too old. Nobody told me you were so old. I really don't want to be rude but - there it is. You're too old. I'm really sorry." She turned abruptly and blundered out of the room, rather like a desperate moth in lamplight. Poirot, his mouth open, heard the bang of the front door. He ejaculated: "Non d'un nom d'un nom..."
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"I asked Dalai Lama the most important question that I think you could ask - if he had ever seen Caddyshack."
Question
"As governor, there isn't a lot I can do beyond that to crack down on crime. Law enforcement is really a local issue. It's the cops' job to tighten down on criminals."
Crime
"I don't believe we need the government's help as much as some think we do. That belief sets me apart from the Democrats, since their way of dealing with everything is to tax and spend."
Government
"You can't legislate morality."
Morality
"Congratulations, you have a sense of humor. And to those who didn't: Go stick your head in the mud."
Humor
"I believe in the America people's ability to govern themselves. If government would just get out of the way and allow them to lead their lives as they choose, they will succeed."
Government
"I don't support abortion. I could never participate in one. But I think it would be a mistake to make them illegal again."
Mistake
"I don't think I would want the responsibility for enforcing the death penalties. There's always the inevitable question of whether someone you gave the order to execute might truly have been innocent."
Death
"Government's role should be only to keep the playing field level, and to work hand in hand with business on issues such as employment. But beyond this, to as great an extent as possible, it should get the hell out of the way."
Business
"I decided to run for governor because I got mad... I want to make government more directly accountable to the people."
Government
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