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"Maybe I needed sensitivity training. I once signed up for an anger management class, but the instructor pissed me off."
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"Playing Solitaire is a non-smoking employee's smoke break."

"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."

"I say let the world go to hell, but I should always have my tea."
Explore more quotes by Darynda Jones

"Does Uncle Bob have anything?""I heard he has an STD.""I mean on the women.""Oh, I have no idea if they have any STDs."

"The key to high concept is that fresh twist. Make it a big one. Wow your reader. Force her to gasp when she comes to that part in your story."

"You totally need to watch the news.""Can't.""Why?""It's too depressing.""Right, because hanging with dead people isn't."

"I know what kind of man it takes to get involved with something as barbarous as human trafficking."I get it, Swopes. He's not the kind of man you take home to meet yourstepmom. I rethought that. "Wait a minute. Maybe my stepmom would like to meet him. Do you think he ships to Istanbul?"

"You rented the apartment with a dead guy in the corner? I shrugged. "I wanted the apartment, and I figured I could cover him up with a bookcase or something."

"He was leaving my stepmother for a sailboat. Not that I blamed him. A sailboat would at least be useful."
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