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"A distinguished clergyman told me that he chose the profession of a clergyman because it afforded the most leisure for literary pursuits. I would recommend to him the profession of a governor."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Most politicians lie for the same reason a monkey swings by his tail, which is to say because he can."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Piracy n: commerce without its folly-swaddles - just as God made it."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Or he'd watch the news: more plagues, more famines, more floods, more insect or microbe or small-mammal outbreaks, more droughts, more chickenshit boy-soldier wars in distant countries. Why was everything so much like itself?"
Author Name
Personal Development
"Shall I ask you how the church is to be filled, if a man is neither to take orders with a living, nor without?"
Author Name
Personal Development
"New York is a sucked orange."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Fella says today, 'Depression is over. I seen a jackrabbit, an' they wasn't nobody after him.' An' another fella says, 'That aint the reason. Can't afford to kill jackrabbits no more. Catch 'em and milk 'em an' turn 'em loose. One you seen prob'ly gone dry."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Time is a waste of money."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Now-a-days, men wear a fool's cap, and call it a liberty cap."
Author Name
Personal Development
"On the Kite, the situation was being 'workshopped'. This is the means by which people who don't know anything get together to pool their ignorance."
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Personal Development
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"Apparently it takes, like, forty-seven muscles to frown. Flippin' the bird' s a hell of a lot easier."
Humor
"A balanced diet and a brisk daily walk will help keep you healthy, but there's nothing like a good-looking young man with a nice butt to help up your cardiovascular system."
Health
"There is no greater hell than realizing you're in love with the guy you hate."
Conflict
"Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but tequila makes it so she doesn't give a shit if she's fond of you are not."
Irony
"The theory of relativity doesn't amount to a hill of beans when there's a bonfire in your shorts."
Perspective
"In my experience, "what the hell" is generally the most interesting decision."
Risk
"Dating is like nightfall--there's got to be a mourning after."
Heartbreak
"It's not as if I don't like men, I just have more respect for my washing machine."
Independence
"I'd trade every last one of you for a moment's peace and a dog that didn't P on the carpet."
Peace
"Let us talk about oxymoron, common sense, for instance."
Logic
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