"Some people say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. In actuality, you have to make an incision through his skin, both dermis and epidermis, then carefully sever and separate the sternum. Only upon viewing the exposed thoracic cavity can you reach the heart--if indeed the male of the species actually possesses such an organ."

Satire, Irony, Violence, Absurdity

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"Some people say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. In actuality, you have to make an incision through his skin, both dermis and epidermis, then carefully sever and separate the sternum. Only upon viewing the exposed thoracic cavity can you reach the heart--if indeed the male of the species actually possesses such an organ."

Exlpore more Satire quotes

"A distinguished clergyman told me that he chose the profession of a clergyman because it afforded the most leisure for literary pursuits. I would recommend to him the profession of a governor."

Henry David Thoreau, American Author

Satire, Leisure, Writing, Literature, Profession

"Most politicians lie for the same reason a monkey swings by his tail, which is to say because he can."

Stephen King, American Author

Satire, Politics, Truth, Wisdom, Power

"Piracy n: commerce without its folly-swaddles - just as God made it."

Ambrose Bierce, American Journalist

Satire, Commerce, Freedom, God

"Or he'd watch the news: more plagues, more famines, more floods, more insect or microbe or small-mammal outbreaks, more droughts, more chickenshit boy-soldier wars in distant countries. Why was everything so much like itself?"

Margaret Atwood, Canadian Novelist

Satire, News, Despair, Disaster, War

"Shall I ask you how the church is to be filled, if a man is neither to take orders with a living, nor without?"

Jane Austen, British Writer

Satire, Insult, Humor, Masculinity, Absurdity

"New York is a sucked orange."

Ralph Waldo Emerson, American Poet

Satire, City, Metaphor

"Fella says today, 'Depression is over. I seen a jackrabbit, an' they wasn't nobody after him.' An' another fella says, 'That aint the reason. Can't afford to kill jackrabbits no more. Catch 'em and milk 'em an' turn 'em loose. One you seen prob'ly gone dry."

John Steinbeck, American Author

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"Time is a waste of money."

Oscar Wilde, Irish Dramatist

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"Now-a-days, men wear a fool's cap, and call it a liberty cap."

Henry David Thoreau, American Author

Satire, Liberty, Politics, Irony

"On the Kite, the situation was being 'workshopped'. This is the means by which people who don't know anything get together to pool their ignorance."

Terry Pratchett, English Author

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Explore more quotes by Lois Greiman

"Apparently it takes, like, forty-seven muscles to frown. Flippin' the bird' s a hell of a lot easier."

Humor

"A balanced diet and a brisk daily walk will help keep you healthy, but there's nothing like a good-looking young man with a nice butt to help up your cardiovascular system."

Health

"There is no greater hell than realizing you're in love with the guy you hate."

Conflict

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but tequila makes it so she doesn't give a shit if she's fond of you are not."

Irony

"The theory of relativity doesn't amount to a hill of beans when there's a bonfire in your shorts."

Perspective

"In my experience, "what the hell" is generally the most interesting decision."

Risk

"Dating is like nightfall--there's got to be a mourning after."

Heartbreak

"It's not as if I don't like men, I just have more respect for my washing machine."

Independence

"I'd trade every last one of you for a moment's peace and a dog that didn't P on the carpet."

Peace

"Let us talk about oxymoron, common sense, for instance."

Logic