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"Maybe in fairytales you're only as old as you feel, but here in L. A. you're every second as old as your pores."
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"Granny Weatherwax had a primal snore. It had never been tamed. No one had ever had to sleep next to it, to curb its wilder excesses by means of a kick, a prod in the small of the back, or a pillow used as a bludgeon. It had had years in a lonely bedroom to perfect the knark, the graaah, and the gnoc, gnoc, gnoc unimpeded by the nudges, jabs, and occasional attempts at murder that usually moderate the snore impulse over time."
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Personal Development
"Oh, once you've been initiated into the Elderly, the world doesn't want you back. Veronica settled herself in a rattan chair and adjusted her hat just so. "We-by whom I mean anyone over sixty-commit two offenses just by existing. One is Lack of Velocity. We drive too slowly, walk too slowly, talk too slowly. The world will do business with dictators, perverts, and drug barons of all stripes, but being slowed down it cannot abide. Our second offence is being Everyman's memento mori. The world can only get comfy in shiny-eyed denial if we are out of sight."
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"I was talking aloud to myself. A habit of the old: they choose the wisest person present to speak to."
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Personal Development
"I spent my life learning to feel less. Every day I felt less. Is that growing old? Or is it something worse?"
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Personal Development
"As Wendy watched them they burst into a chord of tinkling, girlish laughter. She felt a smile touch her own lips; not one of them could be under sixty."
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Personal Development
"Old Age homes are civilization's dumpsites for human beings who it cannot exploit further."
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Personal Development
"You can cover the wrinkles of age by becoming more cheerful and enthusiastic."
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Personal Development
"The only things that old age comes standard with: grey hair and wrinkles. Wisdom and intellect are earned."
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Personal Development
"Growing old is humbling and it takes effort to accomplish this stage of life with dignity."
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Personal Development
"You talk a lot about this amazing flow of time but you hardly see it. you see a women, you think that one day she'll be old, only you don't see her grow old. But there are moments when you think you see her grow old and feel yourself growing old with her: this is the feeling of adventure."
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"In 50 years it won't matter if he's handsome, ugly, or dumb as a post, just try to find someone who don't make you want to shove a pitchfork up his nose."
Harmony
"There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who enjoy a nice salami and those who have no souls."
Humor
"Apparently it takes, like, forty-seven muscles to frown. Flippin' the bird' s a hell of a lot easier."
Humor
"A balanced diet and a brisk daily walk will help keep you healthy, but there's nothing like a good-looking young man with a nice butt to help up your cardiovascular system."
Health
"He's an undersized pissant with delusions of adequacy."
Contempt
"When men age they're called sophisticated. When women age they ain't called at all."
Aging
"If they really wanted us to resist temptation, they shouldn't a made it so damn tempting."
Temptation
"There is no greater hell than realizing you're in love with the guy you hate."
Conflict
"Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but tequila makes it so she doesn't give a shit if she's fond of you are not."
Irony
"The theory of relativity doesn't amount to a hill of beans when there's a bonfire in your shorts."
Perspective
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