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Quotes by Comedian
"Religion is dangerous because it allows human beings who don't have all the answers to think that they do."
11
"Kadafi is a zombie in a pillbox hat, that's what he is!"
11
"I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger."
11
"If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?"
11
"I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a 'learning experience.' Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I've done as a 'learning experience.' It makes me feel less stupid."
11
"Now,I'm no scientist,but I know what endorphins are. They're tiny little magical elves that swim through your blood stream and tell funny jokes to each other. When they reach your brain,you hear what they're saying and that boosts your health and happiness. 'Knock Knock... Who's There?.. Little endorphin... Little endorphin who?... Little Endorphin Annie.' And then the endorphins laugh and then you laugh. See? Its Science."
11
"Considering what a hot, wed dog smells like, dog stew has a surprisingly savory odor To tell the truth, it tastes pretty good, like oxtail. To be perfectly honest, it's delicious. (Anything about this to my golden retriever, and I'll punch your lights out.)"
11
"We should be grateful for them because without our family-the ancestors we descend from, the cousins we see once a year, the loves our lives we see every day-life is pretty boring."
11
"I was raised in an atmosphere of 'everything's fine.' But as I got older, I was like, 'Well no, everything's not fine. There is stuff that's sad.' I am a really sensitive person. I think I am too sensitive sometimes."
11
"We were asked to do very little, and we responded. That's the bargain we tacitly make with our presidents: we won't ask too much of you, if you don't ask too much of us."
11
"We need more kindness, more compassion, more joy, more laughter."
11
"I sometimes think that being widowed is God's way of telling you to come off the Pill."
11
"Sexual harassment at work... is it a problem for the self-employed?"
11
"New Rule: Americans have to come up with a better cheese to represent the nation than American cheese. I'm not even sure American cheese is cheese. I think it's aged Jell-O. And it doesn't need to be individually wrapped in plastic, either. You're thinking of condoms."
10
"The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person."
10
"You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble."
10
"Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?"
10
"I think that humor has become a principle means of communication among Americans about politics."
10
"I just wasn't cut out to be a Chinese Tiger Mom. I'm more of an Irish Setter Dad."
10
"You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash."
10
"Some people believe that to find happiness, you should live each day of your life as if it's your last because that way you will appreciate every single moment you have. Other people believe that you should live each day as if it's your first because then every day can be the beginning of a new journey."
10
"Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take."
10
"The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?"
10
"I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy."
10
"There are plenty of problems in the world, and doubtless climate change - or whatever the currently voguish phrase for it all is - certainly is one of them. But it's low on my list."
10
"I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it."
10
"My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant."
10
"Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket."
10
"So many people prefer to live in drama because it's comfortable. It's like someone staying in a bad marriage or relationship - it's actually easier to stay because they know what to expect every day, versus leaving and not knowing what to expect."
10
"I personally like being unique. I like being my own person with my own style and my own opinions and my own toothbrush."
10
"Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power."
10
"I have an amazing team; I have amazing producers; I have amazing writers, but at the end of it, it's me making the decisions on the writing, the tone, the editing."
10
"I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate."
10
"I find that the world is changing much, much faster than I can even bitch about it."
10
"A little government and a little luck are necessary in life, but only a fool trusts either of them."
10
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