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Quotes by Comedian
"There is no Thanksgiving back in the old country where I come from. You know why? Because being thankful is a sin."
18
"I guess what I'm trying to say is, there are a lot of self righteous people out there. And if you try to adjust your life to please them - by the way you dress, your sexuality, or the ass faces you like to make - you are just going to go crazy and risk being as unhappy as these self righteous kooks are. So enjoy your life. God gave us our bodies as a gift.(Granted, to some of us it's kind of a gag gift, but that's okay too.) Wear what you want, love who you want, and have fun."
18
"Feeling good about government is like looking on the bright side of any catastrophe. When you quit looking on the bright side, the catastrophe is still there."
18
"We were asked to do very little, and we responded. That's the bargain we tacitly make with our presidents: we won't ask too much of you, if you don't ask too much of us."
18
"Whatever it is that the government does, sensible Americans would prefer that the government does it to somebody else. This is the idea behind foreign policy."
18
"Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance."
17
"The more aspects of life that can be moved from private reign to public realm, the better it is for politics."
17
"It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself."
17
"I think that humor has become a principle means of communication among Americans about politics."
17
"I just wasn't cut out to be a Chinese Tiger Mom. I'm more of an Irish Setter Dad."
17
"Most people sort of enjoy going to work because of the socialisation, a chance to flirt with co-workers and so on, but actually hate the job they do."
17
"If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?"
17
"I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a "learning experience." Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I've done as a "learning experience." It makes me feel less stupid."
17
"As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up."
17
"Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket."
17
"I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath."
17
"I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?"
17
"Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power."
17
"I don't think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh."
17
"Economy is a savings-bank, into which men drop pennies, and get dollars in return."
17
"I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things."
17
"Abstract anger is great for rhetorical carrying on. You can go on endlessly about the post office, but it doesn't mean you're mad at your mailman."
17
"New Rule: You can't force the ATM to do something it doesn't want to do. Excuse me, lady in front of me at the Citibank ATM, but you've been standing there punching buttons for ten minutes--what are you trying to do, write a novel on it? You hear those beeping noises? That's the ATM saying, 'Stop it, you're hurting me.' A chicken would have gotten forty bucks out of that thing by now just by pecking the buttons randomly."
17
"When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect, then they told me nobody's perfect so I stopped practicing."
17
"I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a 'learning experience.' Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I've done as a 'learning experience.' It makes me feel less stupid."
17
"To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I agree'."
17
"And, corny as it may sound, I do cherish the bond between me and the audience, the minority that follows my stuff and always makes me glad it's us against the world."
17
"A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here."
17
"I realized women and humor were linked very closely."
17
"When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators."
17
"The good news is that, according to the Obama administration, the rich will pay for everything. The bad news is that, according to the Obama administration, you're rich."
17
"My whole family can talk. They are all car salesmen. They are all funny."
17
"We should be grateful for them because without our family-the ancestors we descend from, the cousins we see once a year, the loves our lives we see every day-life is pretty boring."
17
"I was raised in an atmosphere of 'everything's fine.' But as I got older, I was like, 'Well no, everything's not fine. There is stuff that's sad.' I am a really sensitive person. I think I am too sensitive sometimes."
17
"The problem, when comparing contemporary television to television in 1974, is that TV has become not just bad but sad."
17
"Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer."
17
"For example, in Paris, if one desires to buy something, you enter the store and say 'Good morning, sir' or 'madam, ' depending on what is appropriate, you wait until you are greeted, you make polite chitchat about the weather or some such, and when the salesperson asks what they can do for you, then and only then do you bring up the vulgar business of the transaction you require."
16
"Space has always been confusing to politics."
16
"The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person."
16
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