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"I don't think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh."
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"Comedy to me has always seemed a social tightrope for the comedian. For all axioms intellectually sound the general public would prefer to be amused, but in those emotionally sound, it then chooses to get offended."
"All the jokes in my films, the comedy, they're not me, I just try to hold a big mirror up to us."
"I know the fashion is that everything is fair game [for comedy material] but I don't believe that."
"Bob had a dog buscuit stuck to his head. 'How does he always get food stuck to him?' I asked Morelli. 'I don't know,' Morelli said. 'It's a Bob mystery. I think stuff falls out of his mouth and he rolls in it. I'm not sure.'-Morelli And Stephanie."
"It's okay. I'm-'Fine? Joseph chimed in. 'Obviously not. You need to be checked out by a doctor. 'I am a doctor. I rolled my eyes at him, but that didn't deter him from his train of thought. 'Not that kind of doctor.'What is 'that kind of doctor' going to say when they see my shimmering pink blood, Joseph? I changed my voice to mimic one of a concerned doctor. 'I'm sorry ma'am, you appear to be suffering from a mild case of Pretty Pretty Princess syndrome. Have you ingested any magical woodland faeries recently?"
"Because it's uncensored cable, I think we'll be able to do the kind of sketch comedy that really hasn't been seen before. We can actually finish jokes."
Explore more quotes by Craig Ferguson
"Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands."
"I knew that I had been partially right in the storeroom above the bar on Christmas Day. Whoever I had become had to die."
"Every day I ran to that book like it was a bottle of whiskey and crawled inside because it was a world that I had at least some control over, and slowly, in time, it began to take shape."
"I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist."
"Hey dawg, wassup?' he said, in the strange way that white talent agents from Los Angeles do in an attempt to sound like young black men from underprivileged backgrounds. A linguistic fashion as peculiar as the lisp that everybody in medieval Spain had to adopt after the king developed a speech impediment."
"I think in our desire to create a better America, we have to have civilized debate in this country and not just yelling."
"Strange star - like object over Oslo right before Obama arrives. A gift of a golden medal given by a group of wise men... Nah."
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