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Quotes by Comedian
"I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread."
37
"There's huge, massive mother ships going up to the Yukon. They've been filmed and are on video."
37
"Armageddon is not around the corner. This is only what the people of violence want us to believe. The complexity and diversity of the world is the hope for the future."
37
"We are oblivious to suffering. We are cheap with charity if it's not close to our home."
37
"As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand."
37
"As much experience, education and awareness as one can attain is important for a comedian."
37
"We don't watch the film anymore because we've seen it so many times, so we'll introduce it, walk out and we'll come back in right about when I wake up in the morning and walk over to the shop and everything's changed."
37
"Freedom isn't free. It shouldn't be a bragging point that 'Oh, I don't get involved in politics,' as if that makes you somehow cleaner. No, that makes you derelict of duty in a republic. Liars and panderers in government would have a much harder time of it if so many people didn't insist on their right to remain ignorant and blindly agreeable."
37
"That's not water. That's socialism juice. We should bomb Lake Erie."
37
"I know that we shall meet problems along the way, but I'd far rather see for myself what's going on in the world outside, than rely on newspapers, television, politicians and religious leaders to tell me what I should be thinking."
37
"I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I'm like, 'Come on, you've got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you."
37
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass."
37
"The Afghan government is as corrupt as a prostitute with a law degree."
37
"Why are there five syllables in the word 'monosyllabic?"
37
"Politics are for foreigners with their endless wrongs and paltry rights. Politics are a lousy way to get things done. Politics are, like God's infinite mercy, a last resort."
37
"Food was a constant topic of conversation in our household."
37
"It wasn't until I became more confident with myself and I put myself forward instead of the jokes; at first it was put the jokes out there and I'm just behind the jokes."
37
"But the two of them together, broke my heart. Olympia and Peter, those scenes... When they're kissing in their 20s and then kissing in their 70s, that's what it is. And they had never met five minutes before they shot those scenes."
36
"The equality that we are all entitled to, as citizens of this democracy, can't be avoided by some religious dogma of a President who's is supposed to believe in the notion of separation of church and state. And he frankly doesn't."
36
"All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it."
36
"The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money."
36
"I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't."
36
"Jimmy Carter as President is like Truman Capote marrying Dolly Parton. The job is just too big for him."
36
"Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas."
36
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