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"I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread."
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"If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right."
Father
"Old is always fifteen years from now."
Now
"Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it."
Life
"Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much."
Kids
"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry."
End
"Any man today who returns from work, sinks into a chair, and calls for his pipe is a man with an appetite for danger."
Work
"A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he's in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station."
Father
"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody."
Success
"No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal."
Parenting
"Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them."
Civilization
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"Americans are very friendly and very suspicious, that is what Americans are and that is what always upsets the foreigner, who deals with them, they are so friendly how can they be so suspicious they are so suspicious how can they be so friendly but they just are."
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Personal Development
"There's something with the physical size of America... American writers can write about America and it can still feel like a foreign country."
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Personal Development
"This is due partly to the fact that Americans are much better fed than Europeans, and partly to the undeveloped resources of a new country, but more largely to our climate, which acts as a constant stimulus."
Author Name
Personal Development
"We teach young kids from 8 to 14 or 15 about their musical heritage through great songs written by American songwriters. We don't do too many modern composers, although we include songs from Billy Joel and other writers like him."
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Personal Development
"I believe we are now in a struggle over whether or not we are going to save America."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I am an American citizen and feel I am entitled to the same rights as any other citizen."
Author Name
Personal Development
"So, if I were arrested or if I were killed, then after me the issues that American fears about me wouldn't exist anymore - and I couldn't tell you what those issues are."
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Personal Development
"America is not only big and rich, it is mysterious; and its capacity for the humorous or ironical concealment of its interests matches that of the legendary inscrutable Chinese."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Then on to all the terrific american songwriters, from Tin Pan Alley to the Beatles, from Bob Dylan to Paul Simon. Whoever wrote and sang in the song form I have appreciated."
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Personal Development
"Americans can pretty much sing anything, whereas foreign singers are often limited in style, language, even composer."
Author Name
Personal Development
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