top of page
.png){kind=small}
Quotes by Comedian
"There are a lot of visual marks that have to be hit, and lines that need to be said in a right way - so there wasn't really any improvisation on the set when it came to the bulk of the script."
29
"I mean, I've sold all these scripts and nothing's been made. Studios have closed, stars have died. I had a director find Jesus. And the pictures just don't get made."
29
"Kabul is a walled city, which sounds romantic except the walls are pre-cast reinforced concrete blast barriers, 10 feet tall and 15 feet long and moved into place with cranes. The walls are topped with sandbags, and the sandbags are topped with guard posts from which gun barrels protrude."
29
"Every time I see Peter Falk in the movie I think that would be great. We'd be fun together."
29
"Sometimes in my class I have people come in and do monologues inspired by people they know and I always find that to be useful to do specifics about somebody and then you're actually doing a character and not doing some random old lady or something."
29
"If people see me in some sort of niche, then that's fine. As long as it's not The Naked Guy, I don't care."
29
"But at the same time that the experience is pulling you apart, it's also bonding you. You have this joint venture! You both made this baby. And that's the thing I still can't get over."
29
"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
29
"A sobering thought: what if, at this very moment, I am living up to my full potential?"
29
"Everyone is treating it like a Hollywood story. In Madison, it's a neighborhood story."
29
"Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand."
29
"A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking."
29
"You can (be a middle-aged comic) if you work very hard at it, because comedy is really hard."
29
"We are oblivious to suffering. We are cheap with charity if it's not close to our home."
29
"I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it."
29
"I'm comfortable being old... being black... being Jewish."
29
"I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing."
29
"I don't have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I've done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that's mostly what I'm offered."
29
"There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon."
29
"To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity."
29
"Politics is developing more comedians than radio ever did."
29
"My opposition to Interviews lies in the fact that offhand answers have little value or grace of expression, and that such oral give and take helps to perpetuate the decline of the English language."
29
"Gay marriage acceptance is happening in the blink of an eye."
29
"I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman."
29
"When you pay a hospital bill, you're really paying two hospital bills - one bill for you because you have a job and/or insurance and can pay the hospital. and another bill, which is tacked onto your bill, to cover the medical expenses of someone who doesn't have a job and/or insurance and can't pay the hospital."
29
"Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined."
29
"Being a humorist is not a voluntary thing. You can tell this because in a situation where saying a funny thing will cause a lot of trouble, a humorist will still say the funny thing. No matter how inappropriate."
29
"I understand Twitter has become popular among politicians. This technology allows them to stay in perpetual contact with their constituents. The electorate now has instant information about what politicians have been up to."
29
"Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on theroad an hour."
29
"Did you know that the United States is ranked fiftieth in the world in life expectancy? And the forty-nine loser countries where they live longer than us...they live shackled to the tyranny of nonprofit health care. Here in America, you're not coughing up blood, little Bobby, you're coughing up freedom!"
29
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
29
"Food was a constant topic of conversation in our household."
29
"I always loved comedy but I didn't start formally until I was in college."
29
"There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that."
28
bottom of page