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"If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right."
Father
"Old is always fifteen years from now."
Now
"Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it."
Life
"Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much."
Kids
"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry."
End
"Any man today who returns from work, sinks into a chair, and calls for his pipe is a man with an appetite for danger."
Work
"A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he's in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station."
Father
"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody."
Success
"No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal."
Parenting
"Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them."
Civilization
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"Fool me once, shame on youfool me twice, shame on mefool me thrice, I'm gonna get the frying pan!"
Author Name
Personal Development
"There are talking dogs all over the place, unbelievably boring they are, on and on and on about sex and shit and smells, and smells and shit and sex, and do you love me, do you love me, do you love me."
Author Name
Personal Development
"As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread."
Author Name
Personal Development
"One who has both feet firmly planted in the air."
Author Name
Personal Development
"What? he asked in a low voice."You looked like you spent your last joy bill.He hissed, "What does that even mean?"I don't know. I was just trying it out."Well, it doesn't work. It doesn't make sense. And anyway, I've got plenty of joy bills. Loads.Helen said, "What's happening there on your phone?"A very small joy debit.His older sister's smile shone brightly. "You see, it does work. Now, did you or did you not need to get out of that room?Gansey inclined his head in slight acknowledgment. Gansey siblings knew each other well."You're so welcome, Helen said. "Let me know if you need me to write a joy check."I really don't think it works."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I don't think it's possible to have a sense of tragedy without having a sense of humor."
Author Name
Personal Development
"My religion consists of laughing at myself. My motto is this: As long as there is a me, there is a reason to laugh out loud!"
Author Name
Personal Development
"What do you think they're going to do to us when they find us guilty?" she says after a few minutes of silence have passed."Honestly?""Does now seem like the time for honesty?"I look at her from the corner of my eye. "I think they're going to force us to eat lots of cake and then take an unreasonably long nap."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Well, that depends, I suppose. I heard someone once say that men dance the same way they have sex. So, if you want everyone here to think you're the kind of guy who just sits around and-" He stood up. "Let's dance."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I'm trying to remember how you tell the time by looking at the sun." -"I should leave it for a while, it's too bright to see the numbers at the moment."
Author Name
Personal Development
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