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Quotes by Comedian
"It's all false pressure; you put the heat on yourself, you get it from the networks and record companies and movie studios. You put more pressure on yourself to make everything that much harder."
34
"A woman can laugh and cry in three seconds and it's not weird. But if a man does it, it's very disturbing. The way I'd describe it is like this: I have been allowed inside the house of womanhood, but I feel that they wouldn't let me in any of the interesting rooms."
34
"The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born."
34
"The pursuit of happiness is a most ridiculous phrase: if you pursue happiness you'll never find it."
34
"Many people would no more think of entering journalism than the sewage business - which at least does us all some good."
34
"I always wanted to be an explorer, but - it seemed I was doomed to be nothing more than a very silly person."
34
"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."
34
"It's great when you have people who will speak passionately and honestly about what they are doing."
34
"I was coming home from kindergarten - well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It's good for a kid to know how to make gloves."
34
"I've always had confidence. It came because I have lots of initiative. I wanted to make something of myself."
34
"In TV, and in particular in commercials, you don't really need to explain very much at all - you just say he's a spy and he's a little bit theatrical and overblown and smug and he's not very good at his job."
Job,
34
"Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you."
34
"Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants."
34
"People drain me, even the closest of friends, and I find loneliness to be the best state in the union to live in."
34
"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"
34
"The beauty about the D-list is that people who are on it probably don't know they are."
34
"It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money."
34
"Stand-up comedy and poverty. Those were my two main endeavors."
34
"I was always the guy getting kicked out of my classes at school for having an attitude problem."
34
"Pride is the first step in people unraveling and companies unraveling and relationships unraveling."
34
"I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle."
34
"There is no greater evidence of superior intelligence than to be surprised at nothing."
34
"It would have been convenient to be gay. Just because of the grooming, the narcissism, stuff like that. But I have this kind of roaring heterosexuality. Traditional, uncomplicated heterosexuality, an almost cliched Robin Askwith thing."
Gay,
34
"We call ourselves a free nation, and yet we let ourselves be told what cabs we can and can't take by a man at a hotel door, simply because he has a drum major's uniform on."
34
"I've been in Vegas. That's where you get into the money thing. Boy, you get greedy in Vegas, you know. That's the only place that you can bet $25, get it up to $500 and refuse to quit."
34
"I also love Mole, the unsung hero of reality programming."
34
"You see much more of your children once they leave home."
34
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