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Humor Quotes
"Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?"
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"I was in a department store and the clerk came up to me and said "do you want to lay on the couch' I said "Where's your clip board?"
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"I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot."
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"Whoever called snooker 'chess with balls' was rude, but right."
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"The Yankees don't pay me to win every day, just two out of three."
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"Then the small man suddenly ran after them and said:"I want to get my haircut. I say, do you know a little shop anywhere where they cut hair properly? I keep on having my hair cut, but it keeps on growing again."One of the tall men looked at him with the air of a pained naturalist."
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"At the rate the Kings were finding mates, they were going to have to take turns eating supper because not everyone would fit at the table."
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"You always do good ones. We trust you, Mr. Duke," Says Dylan. Foolish lads, thinks Felix: never trust a professional ham."
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"A laugh is a surprise. And all humor is physical. I was always athletic, so that came naturally to me."
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"Christ girl, ITM wasn't even going to bite you. Well, not the way you're thinking.' 'I'm flattered you want to fuck me as well as muder me. Really, Liam, that's sweet.' He grinned. 'Valentine's Day was just last month, after all."
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"No sinner is ever saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon."
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"To be famous, in fact, one has only to kill one's landlady."
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"Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest earliest natural resources, which must be preserved at all cost."
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"Captain Bradbury's right eyebrow had now become so closely entangled with his left that there seemed no hope of ever extricating it without the aid of powerful machinery."
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"If I didn't try to eavesdrop on every bus ride I take or look for the humor when I go for a walk, I would just be depressed all the time."
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"Cathy was the first widely syndicated humor strip created by a woman. The strip was pretty revolutionary at the time not only because it starred a female, but also because it was so emotionally honest about all the conflicting feelings many women had in 1976."
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"Conservative humor is frankly harder than liberal humor. You get points for just being liberal. You can get more points if you make fun of your own side sometimes."
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"Vengeance was one hell of a roommate."
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"Then after that came word processors and it's hard to make those laugh."
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"I don't mind foreigners. God save the queen!' he squeaked and ran."
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""You're bloody insane, Karede," Mat said. "Unfortunately, so am I.""
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"An untied shoelace can be dangerous,' he said.'I could have tripped.'She stared at him. A moment dragged by.'I'm joking,' he said at last.She relaxed. 'Really?''Absolutely. I would never have tripped. I'm far too graceful."
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"I think humor is a very serious thing. I use it as a way of weakening the reader's defenses so that I can more easily take him to something more."
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"Commercial comedy's often set up to feature an ironist makingdevastating sport of someone who's naive or sentimental or pretentious orpompous."
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"Never worry if you're excluded from the circle, sometimes it's full of squares."
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"A woman's magazine quiz:Question: You decide to do the dread deed and just as things are starting to get hot he comes, rolls over, and asks, 'Was it good for you?You:a. Say, 'God, yes! That was the best seventeen seconds of my lifeb. Say, 'Sure, as good as it gets for me with a man.c. Put a Certs in your navel and say, 'That's for you, Mr. Bunnyman. You can have it on your way back up, after the job is finished."
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"He openned the door that he assumed was the garage only to find himself in the pantry.crap."Um . . . grabbing some Pop-Tarts for the road," Nick said, covering his mistake. Still, they both stared at him as if he'd escaped Arkham Asylum. Offering them a fake smile, he grabbed the pastries, crossed himself, and hoped he got the next door correct.Nope. Bathroom.With a pain-filled groan at his rampant stupidity, Nick pretended to use it before he tried again. At least there were only two more doors to go.Fifty-fifty chance.Thankfully, third time was the charm."
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"He that has a great nose thinks everybody is speaking of it."
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"Oh... Adrian, I've got one more favor to ask you. A big one." "Fondue?" he asked hopefully."
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"Why do dachshunds wear their ears inside out?"
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"By the way, you have a fine ass. Sir."
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"Switzerland is only bearable covered with snow," Aunt Augusta said, "like some people are only bearable under a sheet."
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