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"Everything is funnier in retrospect, funnier and prettier and cooler. You can laugh at anything from far enough away."
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"Sometimes absurd logic can be amusing and heart-touching."
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Personal Development
"Alimony: the cash surrender value of a husband."
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Personal Development
"Beware of giggle grins, they are highly contagious."
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Personal Development
"When I reprimanded my son for hair like Michael Jackson he said: "I don't see the problem you wear yours like Michael Jordan.""
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Personal Development
"God alert!" Blackjack yelled. "It's the wine dude!Mr. D sighed in exasperation. "The next person, or horse, who calls me the 'wine dude' will end up in a bottle of Merlot!"
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Personal Development
"Probably went swimming and got eaten by a pineapple."
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Personal Development
"Monkeys who very sensibly refrain from speech, lest they should be set to earn their livings."
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Personal Development
"Igor?' said Moist. 'You have an Igor?'Oh, yes,' said Hubert. 'That's how I get this wonderful light. They know the secret of storing lightning in jars! But don't let that worry you, Mr Lipspick. Just because I'm employing an Igor and working in a cellar doesn't mean I'm some sort of madman, ha ha ha!'Ha ha,' agreed Moist.Ha hah hah!,' said Hubert. 'Hahahahahaha!! Ahahahahahahhhhh!!!!!-'Bent slapped him on the back. Hubert coughed.Sorry about that, it's the air down here,' he mumbled."
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Personal Development
"This was beyond a joke. This had moved beyond foolishness, slipped over the line into genuine 24 karat Jesus-Christ-I-fucked-up-bigtime territory."
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Personal Development
"Some kid asked what a dilemma is. And I replied: When a starving man has to choose between a plate of food, and, a roll of toilet paper."
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Personal Development
More
"She says, "I'll swear by the rose tattooed on my ass, that old man raped me."Here, the funeral parade stops. At this point, Comrade Snarky is a victim among victims. The rest of us - just her supporting cast.Mrs. Clark, leading us, she looks back and says, "He what?"And from behind his camera, Agent Tattletale says, "Me, too. He raped me first."Saint Gut-Free says, "Well what the hell...He poked me, too."As if poor skinny Saint Gut-Free had enough ass left to poke.And Mrs. Clark says, "This is not funny. Not in the least.""Tough," the Matchmaker tells her. "It's wasn't funny, either, when you raped me."Shaking his ponytail, the Duke of Vandals tells the Matchmaker, "You couldn't pay to get raped."
Justice
"This would be...a book that would be a trapdoor down into some place dark. A place only you could go, alone, when you opened the cover. Because only books have that power."
Literature
"For official record, if become bankrupt old retail distribution centers-labeled supermega, so-enlarged foodstuff market- later reincarnate to become worship shrine. First sell food-stuff, next then same structure sell battered furnitures, next now born as gymnasium club, next broker flea markets, only at final end of life...sell religions."
Business
"If you never been rabid, you ain't never lived."
Experience
"Find out what you're afraid of and go live there."
Courage
"Ever since college, I make friends. They get married. I lose friends."
Relationship
"History is filled with brilliant people who wanted to fix things and just made them worse."
History
"And if you can find any way out of our culture, then that's a trap too. Just wanting to get out of the trap reinforces the trap."
Philosophy
"After you find out all the things that can go wrong, you life becomes less about living and more about waiting. For cancer. For dementia. Every look in a mirror, you scan for the red rash that means shingles. See also: Ringworm. See also: Lyme disease, meningitis, rheumatic fever, syphilis."
Life
"Rachel hadn't invented the dangers of toxoplasmosis, she'd gone online and built an airtight case. This wasn't crazy talk. Neurobiologists had linked T. gondii to suicide and the onset of schizophrenia. All caused by exposure to cat poop. Some studies even suggested that the toxo brain parasites chemically coerced people to adopt more cats. Those crazy cat ladies were actually being controlled by an infection of single-cell invaders."
Science
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