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"Everything is funnier in retrospect, funnier and prettier and cooler. You can laugh at anything from far enough away."
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"If it weren't for the last minute nothing would get done."
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Personal Development
"When you love someone, you don't care that she ate your sandwich. You only hope she found it delicious."
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Personal Development
"Some kleptomaniacs do not steal things only; they also, while some only, steal lovers."
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Personal Development
"You know, Aunt Tasha makes jokes about how youE1d actually be a better queen than the others, except sometimes . . . I donE1t think sheE1s joking."
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Personal Development
"A tie is what you get after ice cubes have wrestled with hot water."
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Personal Development
"Your party kicked so much ass!Even though you suck so much! It's like, instead of blood, your heart pumps liquid suck! But thanks for the beer!"
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Personal Development
"Some people make spectacles of themselves with a couple of glasses."
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Personal Development
"Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions."
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Personal Development
"It's not that I really cheat at golf. I play for my health and a low score makes me feel better."
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Personal Development
"If you're brighter than a lightning bug, don't show your ass."
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Personal Development
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"We live and we die and anything else is just a delusion."
Mortality
"If the living are haunted by the dead, then the dead are haunted by their own mistakes."
Spiritual
"We don't see a lot of models for male social interaction. There's sports and barn raisings."
Sociology
"We just had a near-life experience!"
Experience
"Tyler lies back and asks, "If Marilyn Monroe were alive right now, what would she be doing?"I say, goodnight.The headliner hangs down in shreds from the ceiling and Tyler says, "Clawing at the lid of her coffin."
Death
"What makes the earth feel like Hell is our expectation that it ought to feel like Heaven."
Philosophy
"I don't want to die without any scars."
Courage
"Maybe humans are just the pet alligators that God flushed down the toilet."
Humor
"Even if you tell yourself "Today I'm going to drink coffee the wrong way ... from a dirty boot." Even that would be right, because you chose to drink coffee from that boot.Because you can do nothing wrong. You are always right. Even when you say, "I'm such an idiot, I'm so wrong..." you're right. You're right about being wrong. You're right even when you're an idiot. No matter how stupid your idea, you're doomed to be right because it's yours."
Self
"Maybe it's just a daughter's job to piss off her mother."
Parenting
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