"If the other fellow sells cheaper than you, it is called dumping. 'Course, if you sell cheaper than him, that's mass production."

"Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke."

"Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate, now what's going to happen to us with both a House and a Senate?"

"Don't let yesterday use up too much of today."

"The Republicans have their splits right after election and Democrats have theirs just before an election."

"I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do."

"The worst thing that happens to you may be the best thing for you if you don't let it get the best of you."

"It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you."

"Things in our country run in spite of government, not by aid of it."

"More men have been elected between Sundown and Sunup than ever were elected between Sunup and Sundown."

"Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment."

"I don't know what humor is."

"The best way out of a difficulty is through it."

"There's only one thing that can kill the movies, and that's education."

"You know, everybody's ignorant, just on different subjects."

"Now if there is one thing that we do worse than any other nation, it is try and manage somebody else's affairs."

"Worrying is like paying on a debt that may never come due."

"Ohio claims they are due a president as they haven't had one since Taft. Look at the United States, they have not had one since Lincoln."

"Rumor travels faster, but it don't stay put as long as truth."

"The United States never lost a war or won a conference."

"Don't gamble take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up then sell it. If it don't go up don't buy it."

"If you can build a business up big enough, it's respectable."

"To make money buy some good stock hold it until it goes up and then sell it. If it doesn't go up don't buy it."

"Democrats never agree on anything, that's why they're Democrats. If they agreed with each other, they would be Republicans."

"Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."

"The schools ain't what they used to be and never was."

"We are all here for a spell get all the good laughs you can."

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."

"Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock."

"Politics is applesauce."

"Diplomats are just as essential to starting a war as soldiers are for finishing it... You take diplomacy out of war, and the thing would fall flat in a week."

"One revolution is like one cocktail it just gets you organized for the next."

"People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing."

"The more you observe politics, the more you've got to admit that each party is worse than the other."

"The minute you read something that you can't understand, you can almost be sure that it was drawn up by a lawyer."

"A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth."

"In Hollywood you can see things at night that are fast enough to be in the Olympics in the day time."

"Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for."

"If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of Congress?"

"AH I know is what I see in the papers."

"An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out."

"Make crime pay. Become a lawyer."

"The more you read about politics the more you got to admit that each party is worse than the other."

"The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them."

"A fool and his money are soon elected."

"The time to save is now. When a dog gets a bone, he doesn't go out and make a down payment on a bigger bone. He buries the one he's got."

"If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?"

"A holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you."

"When should a college athlete turn pro? Not until he has earned all he can in college as an amateur."

"The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."