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"Pete and Repeat went out in a boat. Pete fell out. Who was saved?"
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"Fool me once, shame on youfool me twice, shame on mefool me thrice, I'm gonna get the frying pan!"
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Personal Development
"As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread."
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Personal Development
"One who has both feet firmly planted in the air."
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Personal Development
"My religion consists of laughing at myself. My motto is this: As long as there is a me, there is a reason to laugh out loud!"
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Personal Development
"Well, that depends, I suppose. I heard someone once say that men dance the same way they have sex. So, if you want everyone here to think you're the kind of guy who just sits around and-" He stood up. "Let's dance."
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Personal Development
"The cleverest woman finds a need for foolish admirers."
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Personal Development
"Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual."
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Personal Development
"I was my own boss, but that all changed the day I got married."
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Personal Development
"Could you hold the chainsaw a bit closer to your mouth, please?"
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Personal Development
"I went to the kitchen and felt-up the turkey."
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Personal Development
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"Forward momentum. That's my new motto. No regrets. And no going back."
Inspirational
"I run my finger along the crease of the envelope, feel the weight of history inside. Wherever I'm going next, these are coming with me."
History
"Sometimes fate or life or whatever you want to call it, leaves a door a little open and you walk through it. But sometimes it locks the door and you have to find the key, or pick the lock, or knock the damn thing down. And sometimes, it doesn't even show you the door, and you have to build it yourself."
Fate
"You forget, time doesn't exist anymore. You gave it to me."
Time
"I don't really care. I shouldn't have to care. I shouldn't have to work this hard. I realize now that dying is easy. Living is hard."
Life
"She didn't care that people called her a bitch. 'It's just another word for feminist,' she told me with pride."
Society
"We tell our secrets to the dark."
Reflection
"Don't worry, I plan on living a long time.""Why are you making a bucket list, then?""Because if you wait until you're really dying, it's too late."
Life
"It's like you're averse to adventure."
Adventure
"I didn't give it much thought back then. I just wanted to get all the words straight and collect my A."
School
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