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"Please, amigo. We need you, Kimosabe, O Mighty Powerful One. We need you more than the earth rises in the west.'The sun rises in the east, dickhead.'Only if you're standing on the earth. If you're on the moon, the earth rises in the west."
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"A tie is what you get after ice cubes have wrestled with hot water."
"Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions."
"The moment you have a self at all, there is a possibility of putting yourself first - wanting to be the centre - wanting to be God, in fact. That was the sin of Satan: and that was the sin he taught the human race. Some people think the fall of man had something to do with sex, but that is a mistake...what Satan put into the heads of our remote ancestors was the idea that they 'could be like Gods' - could set up on their own as if they had created themselves - be their own masters - invent some sort of happiness for themselves outside God, apart from God. And out of that hopeless attempt has come...the long terrible story of man trying to find something other than God which will make him happy."
"I used to think that size does not count, until I realized that most people either find other people's faeces more disgusting than a bird's droppings, or they do not find the latter disgusting at all."
"Playing Solitaire is a non-smoking employee's smoke break."
"The real satire starts when I'm shockingly mocked,not mockingly shocked."
Explore more quotes by Simone Elkeles
"And my piece of advice is...don't flirt with any of the female instructors. They all have access to weapons bigger than yours."
"I thought we were gonna take this relationship slow.''A back rub is harmless.'My eyes roam over her kick-ass bikini-covered bod. 'I'll have you know I've been intimate with girls wearin' a lot more."
"Snakes don't have fuckin' legs, so how was I supposed to think there'd be one hidin' in the face of a damn rock that's ten feet below the summit?"
"Listen, I didn't ask for a face and body girls find attractive. But thanks to the mixture of my parents' DNA, I've got them, and I'm not ashamed to use 'em."
"Luis is right there. I point to the corner of the yard, where my little brother is the centre of attention doing imitations of barnyard animals. I have yet to inform him that talent isn't as much of a chick magnet when you get into junior high."
"You're stressing too much about what might be. Do something to take your mind off thinking about what might never happen."
"Tofu tacos are not Mexican. I think putting tofu on anything and calling it Mexican is an insult to my people."
"You're not the only one in this relationship who loves achallenge, he says. 'And just so you know for the future, I like my double-chocolate chipcookies warm and soft in the middle . . . and without magnets glued to them."
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