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Humor Quotes
"A smile is the chosen vehicle of all ambiguities."
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"And then the turbines generate electricity that goes into the whole town.""You mean they aren't powered by giant hamsters on wheels? I was misinformed."
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"There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and foget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity."
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"Last week, I suggested the candidates take up mushrooms. I'll be damned if Rick Perry didn't take me up on that."
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"You rented the apartment with a dead guy in the corner? I shrugged. "I wanted the apartment, and I figured I could cover him up with a bookcase or something."
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"He who laughs best today, will also laughs last."
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"Lucille must have fed him a Vallium smoothie this morning."
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"Your sarcasm and general assholeness are not necessary, Apollo remarked casually.I grinned at him. "I don't think 'assholeness' is a word."It is if I say it is. Apollo drew in a deep breath, a sure sign his temper was reaching its knock-Seth-into-the-nearby-ocean point."
24
"I've got a theory, it could be bunnies...I've got a theor-Bunnies aren't just cute like everybody supposesThey've got them hoppy legs and twitchy little noses.And what's with all the carrots-?What do they need such good eyesight for anyway?Bunnies, bunnies it must be bunnies!...or maybe midgets..."
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"We are singing today of the WIPE-OUT GANG - the WIPE-OUT GANG buys, owns & operates the Insanity Factory - if you do not know where the Insanity Factory is located, you should hereby take two steps to the right, paint your teeth & go to sleep."
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"The smell of new office supplies is so satisfying while being kicked out of Staples for inappropriate behavior with a file folder is so embarrassing."
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"There's a time and place for everything, and I believe it's called 'fan fiction'."
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"I don't damsel well. Distress, I can do. Damseling? Not so much."
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"What is it about hairdressers? You tell them 'not too short' and some part of their hairdresser brain hears this as 'whack the shit out of it.' If you never say, 'not too short, ' everything is fine. You say it, & it's a guarantee you'll come out ready for the military>"
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"Pete and Repeat went out in a boat. Pete fell out. Who was saved?"
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"I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself."
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"Oh good Lord. She definitely hadn't put on enough deodorant for this."
23
"Let us find the dam snack bar," Zoe said. "We should eat while we can."Grover cracked a smile. "The dam snack bar?"Zoe blinked. "Yes. What is funny?""Nothing," Grover said, trying to keep a straight face. "I could use some dam french fries."Even Thalia smiled at that. "And I need to use the dam restroom."...I started cracking up, and Thalia and Grover joined in, while Zoe just looked at me. "I do not understand.""I want to use the dam water fountain," Grover said."And..." Thalia tried to catch her breath. "I want to buy a dam t-shirt."
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"The sarcasm made a slight whistling noise as it flew over Loafers' head."
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"Link says if a girl says not to get her a birthday present that means get me a birthday present and make sure it's jewelry."
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"All writers should be put in a box and thrown in the sea."
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"Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing."
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"I realized then that both Gladys and Norm were smiling at about the time I realized that Max and I were acting like lunatics.'I don't think she's tied up in knots anymore, Gladie, Norm observed.'She is, dear, just not ones she wants to untie, Gladys remarked."
23
"Goldilocks in the flesh. He zoned out for a second, lost in the smooth texture of her skin, so he had zero time to react when the bikini top flying through the air hit him in the chest....She contemplated the ground for a second. 'I'd like my top back, please.'I don't know,' he teased. 'It could be construed as a deadly weapon."
23
"Vampires, bringing America together!"
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"New Rule: Apple's next device must be a computer that you control with your tongue. Thanks for eliminating the keyboard and the mouse, but pointing and pushing at things already seems too complicated and tiring. We're Americans--and until you free our hands from the computer entirely, we can never attain our ultimate goal: Web surfing while eating and masturbating."
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"It was like the Justice League of Super Heroes but instead it was the Justice League of Hot Guys."
23
"You may not like the humor, but that is why every radio has an on-off button."
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"It seemed to me, watching, that if you were dextrous enough to gift-wrap an independent-minded amphibian, you could just about manage a condom."
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"Congratulations, Mousey, you've managed to insult every marsupial in the country in just under three kilometers."
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"Appraisals are where you get together with your team leader and agree what an outstanding member of the team you are, how much your contribution has been valued, what massive potential you have and, in recognition of all this, would you mind having your salary halved."
22
"Any other iron on you? he asked impatiently.'Just my tongue stud.His look was a mixture of curiosity and horror.'I'm kidding, you idiot. Let's go."
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"I should take off this ridiculous hood so they can see my face and catch a glimpse at real perfection.' (Vincent)'Then you'd just be an enormous man with a hump and a beautiful face,' Breccan said.Vincent hissed. 'And the fact remains you do think I'm beautiful,' he said as he started to leave."
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"I just can't fathom why anyone would stand on a ledge when there's a respectable amount of walking space right next to it."
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"Luthicer hummed. 'You're either brave or very foolish.' 'What's the difference?' (Eric)"
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"When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all."
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"I didn't know what to think about first: me seeing Claude naked, Claude seeing me naked, or the whole fact that we were related and naked in the same room.(Sookie Stackhouse, Dead in the Family)"
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"He is wearing a rugby shirt with numbers and a little man on a horse on his chest. Kent has told Elsa that this sort of shirt costs more than a thousand kronor, and Granny always used to say that those sorts of shirts were a good thing, because the horse functioned as a sort of manufacturer's warning that the shirt was highly likely to be transporting a muppet."
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"Irony is wasted on the stupid."
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