top of page
.png){kind=small}
Quotes by Comedian
"Ask yourself the three things you must always ask yourself before you say anything. 1) Does this need to be said 2) 'Does this need to be said by me? 3) Does this need to be said by me now?"
31
"The wedding took place in Vermont, where they have legalized gay civil unions, and I married a woman."
31
"I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance."
31
"You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic."
31
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like."
31
"Men and women belong to different species and communications between them is still in its infancy."
31
"So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'."
Want,
31
"The Clinton White House today said they would start to give national security and intelligence briefings to George Bush. I don't know how well this is working out. Today after the first one Bush said, 'I've got one question: What color is the red phone?'"
31
"It took me 20 years of making movies to learn how to do it."
31
"Somehow, by just continually pestering the general public by appearing on television, they accepted me and wanted more."
31
"On school uniforms Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now they have to make them look alike too? It's not a new idea, either. I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand because the narration was in German."
31
"Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up."
31
"I wear so many disguises on the show that only a real comedy fan might spot me."
31
"People are always angry at America. They're absolutely certain that America either caused their problems or is deliberately not fixing their problems. But the anger is always directed at America and never at Americans."
31
"Here's to democracy. May we get the government we deserve."
31
"There are actually quite high profile British TV star cameos in it that you probably wouldn't even notice, that the British wouldn't even notice, let alone the American audience."
31
"I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies."
31
"A poll earlier this year showed that 42 per cent of Americans believe we're in the End Times."
31
"You have to be great friends and make each other laugh. We laugh a lot and neither is jealous of the other."
31
"I give so much pleasure to so many people. Why can I not get some pleasure for myself?"
30
"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."
30
"Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet."
30
"That's my opportunity to hide behind that old lady and say what I want to say."
30
"I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away."
30
"You know, I've done this show for six years, and this could be the first time that I had a person that actually got no points, and I think it's a damn fine way to go out. I thought I was a loser until you walked up here; you made me feel like a man."
30
"I was the first spokesperson for the Better Hearing Institute in Washington. And that's the message we tried to send out - there is hearing help out there, and the technology and options are amazing."
30
"I am consumed with the fear of failing. Reaching deep down and finding confidence has made all my dreams come true."
30
"I didn't flee a dictator or swim an ocean to be an American like some do. I just thought long and hard about it."
30
bottom of page