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Quotes by Comedian
"Look at me, I'm getting defensive about something that happened so many years ago, somebody said. I'll have to find out who that was and if he's still alive."
24
"The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it."
24
"When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel."
24
"You know, if you're an American and you're born at this time in history especially, you're lucky. We all are. We won the world history Powerball lottery."
24
"Be out of the mainstream. I'm out of the mainstream. I enjoy it, who wants to be in the mainstream?"
24
"To be known by the public, honestly. People come up and tell them how good I make them feel."
24
"I'm not a Christian, but I have read his book."
24
"The best and brightest don't go into politics. The best and brightest are at Goldman Sachs."
24
"The Universe is very, very big.It also loves a paradox. For example, it has some extremely strict rules.Rule number one: Nothing lasts forever.Not you or your family or your house or your planet or the sun. It is an absolute rule. Therefore when someone says that their love will never die, it means that their love is not real, for everything that is real dies. Rule number two: Everything lasts forever."
24
"I am as frustrated with society as a pyromaniac in a petrified forest."
23
"I give so much pleasure to so many people. Why can I not get some pleasure for myself?"
23
"I never thought I'd say this, what Obama needs in his personality is a little George Bush."
23
"I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'"
Open,
23
"Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven; confess them to man and you will be laughed at."
23
"Explosion of positive rights started in 1932 with the election of Roosevelt."
23
"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."
23
"So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'."
Want,
23
"Europe is scooters. Europe is five young people on one bench sharing a chocolate bar. Their idea of entertainment and fun is so much different than ours, which is exactly why a movie about them would be funny."
23
"The qualities of an exceptional cook are akin to those of a successful tightrope walker: an abiding passion for the task, courage to go out on a limb and an impeccable sense of balance."
23
"Even when I was in school shows, in elementary school doing plays, I'd always go off book and start improvising."
23
"It's a funny thing about Americans, we love to bitch about paying too much for the things we really need and are really a bargain, like gas and postage stamps, but we willingly shell out outrageous amounts for unnecessary crap like gourmet coffee and soap to make your crotch smell good. Two dollars a gallon to go ten miles is too much, but five to the parking valet to go ten feet is okay."
23
"New Rule: Apple's next device must be a computer that you control with your tongue. Thanks for eliminating the keyboard and the mouse, but pointing and pushing at things already seems too complicated and tiring. We're Americans--and until you free our hands from the computer entirely, we can never attain our ultimate goal: Web surfing while eating and masturbating."
23
"There is one thing women can never take away from men. We die sooner."
23
"The Afghan government is as corrupt as a prostitute with a law degree."
23
"Oh Satan you're a wily one."
23
"Those unexpected morality lessons provided by the trip had jolted me into some kind of action. It was time to jettison the past before the present jettisoned me. This was my first veiled attempt at recovery. Although perhaps I was just running away again. I returned to Glasgow, planning to say a final goodbye to Anne and get out of her life, but ended up drinking with buddies in the Chip Bar and never seeing her. I called her instead to say I was moving to London and told her she could have the house and everything else we owned, which wasn't much. I think she was as relieved as I was that I was leaving town for good."
23
"Infant mortality and life expectancy are reasonable indicators of general well-being in a society."
23
"A poll earlier this year showed that 42 per cent of Americans believe we're in the End Times."
23
"The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person."
23
"Some people are passionate about aisles, others about window seats."
22
"So, if you're doing good longform with talented people than you can step out and you can be the president or a construction worker and people accept that. It's really the roles you give yourself."
22
"Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly."
22
"In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number."
22
"Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?"
Man,
22
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