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"The Clinton White House today said they would start to give national security and intelligence briefings to George Bush. I don't know how well this is working out. Today after the first one Bush said, 'I've got one question: What color is the red phone?'"
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"There can be no two opinions as to what a highbrow is. He is the man or woman of thoroughbred intelligence who rides his mind at a gallop across country in pursuit of an idea."
"Solving a problem is intelligence. Preventing a problem is wisdom."
"Most unintelligent or foolish people do not regard themselves as that, they regard themselves as not-that-intelligent or not-that-wise."
"No, honestly, my mouth shouldn't be able to function unless my brain's engaged."
"One might almost define intelligence as the level at which an aware organism demands, 'What's in it for me?"
"Were you born stupid, Heinrich, or did you have to study?"
"Once intelligent beings achieve technology and the capacity for self-destruction of their species, the selective advantage of intelligence becomes more uncertain."
"Three-quarters of the sicknesses of intelligent people come from their intelligence. They need at least a doctor who can understand this sickness."
"Every intelligent being, whether it breathes or not, coughs nervously at some time in its life."
"Blame heaped on planners and those said to be responsible for unreliable intelligence."
Explore more quotes by Bill Maher
"The tea baggers. The one thing they hate is when you call them racist. The other thing they hate is black people. But they won't say it."
"I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?"
"President Bush is supporting Arnold but a lot of Republicans are not, because he is actually quite liberal. Karl Rove said if his father wasn't a Nazi, he wouldn't have any credibility with conservatives at all."
"New Rule: Stop putting psychedelic screensavers on computers. I sit down to check my e-mail, and the next thing I know it's three days later, I'm in the desert, I'm banging on a drum, I'm naked, and somebody's pierced my dick."
"New Rule: If an Evangelical tries to use Halloween to pimp Jesus to kids, they get to egg his house. On Halloween, the president of the American Family Association urged his flock to hand out a Christian-based comic book instead of candy. Excuse me, Halloween isn't a time to push your beliefs. You don't see me handing out pot to kids...Okay, well not the little kids."
"New Rule: Stop asking Miss USA contestants if they believe in evolution. It's not their field. It's like asking Stephen Hawking if he believes in hair scrunchies. Here's what they know about: spray tans, fake boobs and baton twirling. Here's what they don't know about: everything else. If I cared about the uninformed opinions of some ditsy beauty queen, I'd join the Tea Party."
"What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country."
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