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Quotes by Comedian
"The First Amendment only says 'Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion.' It can disrespect all it wants."
33
"Tom DeLay may or may not have broken campaign finance laws, but he did his best to look like he was breaking them."
33
"And my marriage was perfect when I wasn't famous."
33
"New Rule: Stop leaving couches on the sidewalk. Besides being lazy and ugly, it's animal cruelty. You teach your dog not to pee on the couch, and then when you take him to the place he's supposed to pee, there's a couch."
32
"I tell the person I won't take a picture or sign the autograph, but I will shake their hand. That kind of personal touch is all they're really seeking."
Will,
32
"In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number."
32
"I was really, because I thought it was extremely excruciating when I watched a tape of it, that my husband taped for me and I never watched it again after that."
32
"It is a popular delusion that the government wastes vast amounts of money through inefficiency and sloth. Enormous effort and elaborate planning are required to waste this much money."
32
"When I stopped drinking, it was only because I thought if I don't stop, I'm going to die."
32
"Technology... is a queer thing. It brings you great gifts with one hand, and it stabs you in the back with the other."
32
"New Rule: Food companies must face the facts: One container equals one serving. Look, we're Americans, and that means once we open the bag, there's no stopping us until we're licking stray bits of powdered cheese off the carpet. So stop trying to give us nutritional information based on a fraction of the package. It assumes a talent for two things that we're really not capable of: restraint and math."
32
"I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering."
32
"There is nothing so easy to learn as experience and nothing so hard to apply."
32
"The world can be such a fright, but it belongs to us tonight."
32
"Europe is scooters. Europe is five young people on one bench sharing a chocolate bar. Their idea of entertainment and fun is so much different than ours, which is exactly why a movie about them would be funny."
32
"The qualities of an exceptional cook are akin to those of a successful tightrope walker: an abiding passion for the task, courage to go out on a limb and an impeccable sense of balance."
32
"You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout, I'm telling you why, Cause Santa Clause might put a cap in your ass."
32
"I believe the world is increasingly in danger of becoming split into groups which cannot communicate with each other, which no longer think of each other as members of the same species."
32
"If a fourteen year-old can deliver your message, it's not because he's gifted. It's because intellectually, you're a child."
32
"I think the whole idea of me was that I wasn't going to be but that I wanted to be, desperately."
Idea,
32
"In the United States I have always believed that there was a big difference between Conservative and stupid. Boy is it getting harder to prove that one by the minute."
32
"A real estate closer. Oh, what's that? I'm a real estate opener. What is a real estate closer? You mean at the end where you've got to sign all those papers?"
End,
32
"Movies are nice, but there are very few roles for women and most of them are sluts or something."
32
"There is one thing women can never take away from men. We die sooner."
32
"Look at me, I'm getting defensive about something that happened so many years ago, somebody said. I'll have to find out who that was and if he's still alive."
32
"You know, if you're an American and you're born at this time in history especially, you're lucky. We all are. We won the world history Powerball lottery."
32
"Those unexpected morality lessons provided by the trip had jolted me into some kind of action. It was time to jettison the past before the present jettisoned me. This was my first veiled attempt at recovery. Although perhaps I was just running away again. I returned to Glasgow, planning to say a final goodbye to Anne and get out of her life, but ended up drinking with buddies in the Chip Bar and never seeing her. I called her instead to say I was moving to London and told her she could have the house and everything else we owned, which wasn't much. I think she was as relieved as I was that I was leaving town for good."
32
"Infant mortality and life expectancy are reasonable indicators of general well-being in a society."
32
"I am as frustrated with society as a pyromaniac in a petrified forest."
31
"I mean, when I started out I was billing per hour, like a shrink because you would sit with somebody and work. But most of it, if it's for a live show it's usually a buy-out. A flat fee."
Work,
31
"I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'"
Open,
31
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