Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 63/75

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Quotes by Comedian

"The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one, and against two bombs a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb."

"The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one, and against two bombs a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb."

Benny Hill, English Comedian

Time, Being, Bombs

25

"I don't want to say Monsanto is evil right off the bat, but why is Monsanto so evil?"

"I don't want to say Monsanto is evil right off the bat, but why is Monsanto so evil?"

Bill Maher, American Comedian

Society, Ethics, Question, Judgment, Morality

25

"New Rule: Oil companies must stop with the advertisements implying they're friends of the environment. 'At Exxon Mobil, we care about a thriving wildlife.' Please--the only thing an oil executive has in common with a seagull is they'd both steal french fries from a baby."

"New Rule: Oil companies must stop with the advertisements implying they're friends of the environment. 'At Exxon Mobil, we care about a thriving wildlife.' Please--the only thing an oil executive has in common with a seagull is they'd both steal french fries from a baby."

Bill Maher, American Comedian

Humor, Critique, Environment, Observation

25

"Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective."

"Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective."

P. J. O'Rourke, American Comedian

Death, Children, Dying, Will

25

"New Rule: You're never going to pick up women at a coffee shop pretending to be working on your laptop. You don't look like you're sensitive, you look like you're homeless.The last guy to pick up a chick with an Apple was Adam. And when you sit across from another dateless loser with a laptop, it still doesn't look like you're working--it looks like you're playing Battleship."

"New Rule: You're never going to pick up women at a coffee shop pretending to be working on your laptop. You don't look like you're sensitive, you look like you're homeless.The last guy to pick up a chick with an Apple was Adam. And when you sit across from another dateless loser with a laptop, it still doesn't look like you're working--it looks like you're playing Battleship."

Bill Maher, American Comedian

Humor, Observation, Social, Dating

25

"Call a man 'ignorant,' and you have license to show the world your vast fund of knowledge and wise him up."

"Call a man 'ignorant,' and you have license to show the world your vast fund of knowledge and wise him up."

P. J. O'Rourke, American Comedian

Education, Ignorance, Knowledge, Teaching, Observation

25

"The reason I used a name was because I was a nurse at the time, and I didn't want my name in Timeout and people from working coming along and taking the piss."

"The reason I used a name was because I was a nurse at the time, and I didn't want my name in Timeout and people from working coming along and taking the piss."

Jo Brand, British Comedian

Time, People, Name, Reason

25

"The First Amendment only says 'Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion.' It can disrespect all it wants."

"The First Amendment only says 'Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion.' It can disrespect all it wants."

P. J. O'Rourke, American Comedian

Law, Constitution, Religion, Freedom, Speech

25

"Here's to democracy. May we get the government we deserve."

"Here's to democracy. May we get the government we deserve."

Rick Mercer, Canadian Comedian

Government, Democracy, May

25

"Also, if you watch the film once, there are lots of things that you won't get because there are punch lines in the first act, the setup to which isn't until the second act."

"Also, if you watch the film once, there are lots of things that you won't get because there are punch lines in the first act, the setup to which isn't until the second act."

Simon Pegg, British Comedian

Act, Film, First

25

"After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi."

"After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi."

P. J. O'Rourke, American Comedian

Woman, Women, Purpose, Party

25

"How I Love Lucy was born? We decided that instead of divorce lawyers profiting from our mistakes, we'd profit from them."

"How I Love Lucy was born? We decided that instead of divorce lawyers profiting from our mistakes, we'd profit from them."

Lucille Ball, American Comedian

Love, Divorce, Lawyers, Mistakes

25

"I'll be a flop in movies. Besides, I don't like 'em, and I never did believe there was a place called Hollywood. Somebody made it up!"

"I'll be a flop in movies. Besides, I don't like 'em, and I never did believe there was a place called Hollywood. Somebody made it up!"

Patsy Kelly, American Comedian

Movies, Hollywood

25

"Tom DeLay may or may not have broken campaign finance laws, but he did his best to look like he was breaking them."

"Tom DeLay may or may not have broken campaign finance laws, but he did his best to look like he was breaking them."

P. J. O'Rourke, American Comedian

Corruption, Politics, Perception, Law

25

"When I see the American flag, I go, 'Oh my God, you're insulting me.'"

"When I see the American flag, I go, 'Oh my God, you're insulting me.'"

Janeane Garofalo, American Comedian

25

"Be careful who you choose as your hero or who you choose to deify, be it Clay Aiken or Barack Obama. You put all you're hope and all your dreams and all your ideas about stuff into one human being. They're a human being they're going to let you down. You can't make someone your hero because of something you read on the internet. The internet is not a source of information it is a source of disinformation."

"Be careful who you choose as your hero or who you choose to deify, be it Clay Aiken or Barack Obama. You put all you're hope and all your dreams and all your ideas about stuff into one human being. They're a human being they're going to let you down. You can't make someone your hero because of something you read on the internet. The internet is not a source of information it is a source of disinformation."

Craig Ferguson, Scottish Comedian

Experience, Life, Memory, Learning, Reality

25

"The fun part for me is to just really push that envelope."

"The fun part for me is to just really push that envelope."

Vicki Lawrence, American Comedian

25

"There are actually quite high profile British TV star cameos in it that you probably wouldn't even notice, that the British wouldn't even notice, let alone the American audience."

Simon Pegg, British Comedian

25

"Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on."

"Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on."

Billy Connolly, Scottish Comedian

Trust, Man, Tea

25

"From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?"

"From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?"

Craig Ferguson, Scottish Comedian

Fate, Rebellion, Freedom, Addiction, Chaos

25

"You have to be great friends and make each other laugh. We laugh a lot and neither is jealous of the other."

"You have to be great friends and make each other laugh. We laugh a lot and neither is jealous of the other."

Ruby Wax, American Comedian

Friendship, Friends

25

"I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it."

"I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it."

Craig Ferguson, Scottish Comedian

Love, Joy, Future, Self, Belief

25

"Obama's space policy doesn't differ much from George W. Bush's."

"Obama's space policy doesn't differ much from George W. Bush's."

P. J. O'Rourke, American Comedian

Politics, Policy, Space, Comparison

25

"On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn't he said, 'Do you mind if I mug you here?'."

"On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn't he said, 'Do you mind if I mug you here?'."

Paul Merton, British Comedian

Day, First, Mind

24

"Whenever the people are for gay marriage or medical marijuana or assisted suicide, suddenly the "will of the people" goes out the window."

"Whenever the people are for gay marriage or medical marijuana or assisted suicide, suddenly the "will of the people" goes out the window."

Bill Maher, American Comedian

Marriage, Medical, People, Gay

24

"I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks."

"I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks."

Emo Philips, American Comedian

24

"I was on stage and I was like I will pay someone to do my time, not only will I expect NOT to be paid, but I will pay someone if I can run off stage right now. It was so bad."

"I was on stage and I was like I will pay someone to do my time, not only will I expect NOT to be paid, but I will pay someone if I can run off stage right now. It was so bad."

Julia Sweeney, American Comedian

Time, Now, Right, Will

24

"The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision."

"The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision."

Lynn Lavner, American Comedian

Love, God, Bible

24

"I was really, because I thought it was extremely excruciating when I watched a tape of it, that my husband taped for me and I never watched it again after that."

"I was really, because I thought it was extremely excruciating when I watched a tape of it, that my husband taped for me and I never watched it again after that."

Jo Brand, British Comedian

Thought, HusbThought

24

"My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere."

"My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere."

Steven Wright, American Comedian

24

"I do not like sports, unless you consider treating all humankind with love and respect a sport."

"I do not like sports, unless you consider treating all humankind with love and respect a sport."

Todd Barry, American Comedian

Love, Sports, Respect

24

"One of the most important days of my life was when I learned to ride a bicycle."

"One of the most important days of my life was when I learned to ride a bicycle."

Michael Palin, British Comedian

24

"I don't think the show would be funny to you if you didn't already have a base of information."

"I don't think the show would be funny to you if you didn't already have a base of information."

Samantha Bee, American Comedian

Funny, Information

24

"There is nothing so easy to learn as experience and nothing so hard to apply."

"There is nothing so easy to learn as experience and nothing so hard to apply."

Josh Billings, American Comedian

Experience, Nothing

24

"April is tax month. If you are having trouble filing your taxes, then you should hire an accountant. They'll give you the same advice that they've given hundreds of corporations - taxes are for douche bags."

"April is tax month. If you are having trouble filing your taxes, then you should hire an accountant. They'll give you the same advice that they've given hundreds of corporations - taxes are for douche bags."

Ed Helms, American Comedian

Advice, April, Corporations, Tax

24

"The economy in Ireland has been rampaging ahead for the last 15 years. Barring an international, political or natural catastrophe, things can only get better for the Irish."

"The economy in Ireland has been rampaging ahead for the last 15 years. Barring an international, political or natural catastrophe, things can only get better for the Irish."

Eddie Murphy, American Comedian

Economy, Ireland, Irish, Years

24

"On school uniforms Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now they have to make them look alike too? It's not a new idea, either. I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand because the narration was in German."

"On school uniforms Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now they have to make them look alike too? It's not a new idea, either. I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand because the narration was in German."

George Carlin, American Comedian

Society, Education, Observation, Conformity

24

"The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas, a bottle of wine. It was delicious."

"The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas, a bottle of wine. It was delicious."

Craig Ferguson, Scottish Comedian

Success, Addiction, Recovery, Irony, Struggle

24

"I believe the world is increasingly in danger of becoming split into groups which cannot communicate with each other, which no longer think of each other as members of the same species."

"I believe the world is increasingly in danger of becoming split into groups which cannot communicate with each other, which no longer think of each other as members of the same species."

Carrie P. Snow, American Comedian

24

"Last week, I suggested the candidates take up mushrooms. I'll be damned if Rick Perry didn't take me up on that."

"Last week, I suggested the candidates take up mushrooms. I'll be damned if Rick Perry didn't take me up on that."

Bill Maher, American Comedian

Humor, Politics, Observation, Life

24

"I didn't say no because between safety and adventure I choose adventure."

"I didn't say no because between safety and adventure I choose adventure."

Craig Ferguson, Scottish Comedian

Chaos, Adventure, Truth, Life, Choice

24

"People talk to old people like they're children.'Oh you're very old aren't you?' Yeah I'm old. I'm not stupid."

"People talk to old people like they're children.'Oh you're very old aren't you?' Yeah I'm old. I'm not stupid."

Craig Ferguson, Scottish Comedian

Aging, Respect, Humor, Understanding

24

"If you belonged to a political party or a social club that was tied to as much bigotry, misogyny, homophobia, violence, and sheer ignorance as religion is, you'd resign in protest."

"If you belonged to a political party or a social club that was tied to as much bigotry, misogyny, homophobia, violence, and sheer ignorance as religion is, you'd resign in protest."

Bill Maher, American Comedian

Society, Ethics, Choice, Observation, Justice

24

"Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up."

"Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up."

Les Dawson, English Comedian

24

"I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving."

"I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving."

Craig Ferguson, Scottish Comedian

Humor, Football, Family, Escape

24

"The average IQ in America is-and this can be proven mathematically-average."

"The average IQ in America is-and this can be proven mathematically-average."

P. J. O'Rourke, American Comedian

Intelligence, Statistics, Humor, Irony

24

"Movies are nice, but there are very few roles for women and most of them are sluts or something."

"Movies are nice, but there are very few roles for women and most of them are sluts or something."

Victoria Jackson, American Comedian

24

"That's not water. That's socialism juice. We should bomb Lake Erie."

"That's not water. That's socialism juice. We should bomb Lake Erie."

Bill Maher, American Comedian

Politics, Humor, Socialism, Observation

24

"I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one."

"I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one."

Steven Wright, American Comedian

Humor, Self, Observation, Truth

24

"NEW RULE: 'Kidiots' Leave the children behind. At least until they learn something. A new study has shown that half of American high schools agree that newspapers should only be able to publish government-approved material. Almost one out of five said people should not be allowed to voice unpopular opinions..This is the first generation after September 11th, who discovered news during a 'watch what you say' administration...George W. Bush once asked, 'is our children learning.' No, they isn't. A better question would be, 'is our teacher's teaching?"

"NEW RULE: 'Kidiots' Leave the children behind. At least until they learn something. A new study has shown that half of American high schools agree that newspapers should only be able to publish government-approved material. Almost one out of five said people should not be allowed to voice unpopular opinions..This is the first generation after September 11th, who discovered news during a 'watch what you say' administration...George W. Bush once asked, 'is our children learning.' No, they isn't. A better question would be, 'is our teacher's teaching?"

Bill Maher, American Comedian

Education, Freedom, Awareness, Expression

24

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