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Humor Quotes
"George Bush has met more foreign heads of state than I have. But a substantial number of them were dead."
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"I don't think I could ever do a network sitcom because the humor is often based on some trite circumstance. I don't want to be a part of a show where it's mostly about coming up with the jokes."
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"I prefer to play and lose rather than win, because I know in advance I'm going to win."
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"Oh, God, if I'm anything by a clinical name, I'm a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I think people are plotting to make me happy."
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"Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat."
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"Poor David Hume is dying fast, but with more real cheerfulness and good humor and with more real resignation to the necessary course of things, than any whining Christian ever dyed with pretended resignation to the will of God."
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"The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so."
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"Serve the dinner backward, do anything - but for goodness sake, do something weird."
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"Been eating candies, have you?""You sent those?" She kept her mouth closed as much as possible."Of course." He picked up the brown bad of candy on the table. "What's your..." He trailed off as he weighed the bad in his hands. "Didn't I give you three pounds of candy?"She smiled impishly."You ate half the bag!""Was I supposed to save it?""I would have liked some!""You never told me that.""Because I didn't expect you to consume all of it before breakfast!"She snatched the bag from him and put it on the table. "Well, that just hows poor judgement on your part, doesn't it?"
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"When you walk into a chocolate store, suddenly the most difficult decision you will ever have to make in your life, is which chocolates to pick! It is pure torture! Especially when you are in Belgium surrounded by Belgian chocolates!"
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"This is Waldo Butters, and his geek penis is longer and harder than any of ours put together."
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"A pun is the lowest form of humor, unless you thought of it yourself."
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"A ghostly smile flickered across his face. "If you weren't so psychotic, you'd be fun to hang around." "Funny, I feel that way about you too." He didn't say anything else, but the smile grew, and he walked away."
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"Wayne: You wanna know why I really came to find you?Waxilliam: Why?Wayne: I thought of you happy in a comfy bed, resting and relaxing, spending the rest of your life sipping tea and reading papers while people bring you food and maids rub your toes and stuff.Waxilliam: And?Wayne: And I just couldn't leave you to a fate like that...I'm too good a friend to let a mate of mine die in such a terrible situation.Waxilliam: Comfortable?Wayne: No. Boring."
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"I never met anyone who didn't have a very smart child. What happens to these children, you wonder, when they reach adulthood?"
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"The humor is essentially dark for a cartoon and sophisticated. But at the same time, being a cartoon gives the writers more freedom than in a normal sitcom. It always pushes the line that, despite human failings, the Simpsons are really decent people."
39
"Humor is very very risky, particularly for a candidate, unless he's been in so long that it just doesn't matter, and he's not running for president. But it's just that people are so sensitive and so touchy, and you're just going to upset somebody without ever realizing it."
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"It has always surprised me how little attention philosophers have paid to humor, since it is a more significant process of mind than reason. Reason can only sort out perceptions, but the humor process is involved in changing them."
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"I'm not for gratuitous nudity, but if there's humor, I don't have a problem."
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"Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep."
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"A living skeleton isn't enough for you, is it? What does it take to impress young people these days?"
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"He who sells what isn't his'n, Must buy it back or go to prison."
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"Deep breaths are very helpful at shallow parties."
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"Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility."
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"I never eat in a restaurant that's over a hundred feet off the ground and won't stand still."
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"The more I live, the more I think that humor is the saving sense."
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"Don't you even think of holding back, or I'll...I'll tell Spade you let me get away from you,' she improvised.'And that I got mugged,' she added for good measure.Cries of 'Mon Dieu!' and 'That's not fair!' echoed immediately from the two vampires.'I'm a crazy human female, you know I'll do it,' Denise warned them."
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"I mean, yeah, I'm sure that Python and the other things have paved the way for a greater understanding of the British sense of humor, but I don't think it's all that different than the American sense of humor."
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"HELENA. What a fine day! Not too hot. [A pause.]VOITSKI. A fine day to hang oneself."
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"I swear, talking to you is like talking to a really good-looking and mildly stupid brick wall."
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