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Humor Quotes
"Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer."
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"No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
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"I think humor is a very serious thing. I use it as a way of weakening the reader's defenses so that I can more easily take him to something more."
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"I'm not really big on slapstick humor. I like gentle humor."
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"The key to good eavesdropping is not getting caught."
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"Humor does not diminish the pain - it makes the space around it get bigger."
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"Bishop was all done with the witty converstaion. 'Will you swear?'And Myrnin said, shockingly, 'I will.' And he proceeded to, a string of swearwords that made Claire blink. He ended with, '-frothy fool-born apple-john! Cheater of vandals and defiler of dead dogs!' and did another twirl and bow. He looked up with a red, red grin that was more like a leer. 'Is that what you meant, my lord?"
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"An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves."
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"I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not."
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"Plagiarists, at least, have the merit of preservation."
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"There is nothing harder to explain than humor."
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"Designer clothes worn by children are like snowsuits worn by adults. Few can carry it off successfully."
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"Having solved all the major mathematical, physical, chemical, biological, sociological, philosophical, etymological, meteorological and psychological problems of the Universe except for his own, three times over, [Marvin] was severely stuck for something to do, and had taken up composing short dolorous ditties of no tone, or indeed tune. The latest one was a lullaby."
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"Anybody who plays the stock market not as an insider is like a man buying cows in the moonlight."
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"I enjoy reading books like that because it's not at all the life I lead. It's completely different than any situation I'll ever be in, thank God. But I get entertainment out of it. Because as much as I like to read about a guy telling a girl she's so, so wet for him...if anyone ever said that to me during sex, I wouldn't be turned on by it. I would be terrified I accidentally peed on myself.'Ben laughs. 'And if you and I were having sex and you told me you owned me, I would literally crawl out from under you, put on my clothes, walk out of your house, and go puke in your front yard."
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"Don't blame you," said Marvin and counted five hundred and ninety-seven thousand million sheep before falling asleep again a second later."
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"No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens."
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"The comic is the perception of the opposite; humor is the feeling of it."
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"Annie looks dreamy, but she always does because she can't see farther than three feet away. Elizabeth looks vaguely angry, but she always does because she can see farther than three feet away."
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"Everything is funnier in retrospect, funnier and prettier and cooler. You can laugh at anything from far enough away."
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"After a universal silence, Leo was the first to speak. "Did anyone else notice-"Yes, Catherine said. "What do you make of it?"I haven't decided yet. Leo frowned and took a sip of port. "He's not someone I would pair Bea with."Whom would you pair her with?"Hanged if I know, Leo said. "Someone with similar interests. The local veterinarian, perhaps?"He's eighty-three years old and deaf, Catherine said."They would never argue, Leo pointed out."
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"Baz arched an elegant brow. "Are you going to snog the Humdrum-is that your plan? Because he's eleven. And he looks just like you. That's both vain and deviant, Snow, even for you."
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"The man with the real sense of humor is the man who can put himself in the spectator's place and laugh at his own misfortune."
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"When you walk into a chocolate store, suddenly the most difficult decision you will ever have to make in your life, is which chocolates to pick! It is pure torture! Especially when you are in Belgium surrounded by Belgian chocolates!"
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"Only one day at public school and the bitches already made your locker rain?" she laughs. "Impressive."
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"Negative humor is forgotten immediately. It's the stuff that makes us feel better about our lives that lives long. Much more satisfying. Enter children's books."
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"This is Waldo Butters, and his geek penis is longer and harder than any of ours put together."
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"I spent most of my youth hauling sides of beef and pork to my father's shop. Carrying you is far more enjoyable.""How sweet," Annabelle mumbled sickly, her eyes closed. "Every woman dreams of being told that she's preferable to a dead cow."
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