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Humor Quotes
"Ethan Wyeth: I hope you're thirsty."Gideon Wyeth:"Why?"Ethan: "Cause your dumb and ugly, but I can do something about thirsty."
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"God is silent. Now if only man would shut up."
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"My brain? That's my second favorite organ."
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"A week after my drugs ran out, I left my bed to perform at the college, deciding at the last minute to skip both the doughnut toss and the march of the headless plush toys. Instead, I just heated up a skillet of plastic soldiers, poured a milkshake over my head and called it a night."
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"Highly educated bores are by far the worst; they know so much, in such fiendish detail, to be boring about."
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"By the way, if you get mad at your Mac laptop and wonder who designed this demonic device, notice the manufacturer's icon on top: an apple with a bite out of it."
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"A sense of humour is the only divine quality of man."
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"I'm busy trying not to look like anything edible."
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"At the dockside I was pleasantly surprised to find the North wasn't all hairy men in animal skins. There was also hairy women in animal skins."
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"A floating leaf has more to boast about than a sinking ship."
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"I also noticed that humor was even more of a survival tactic here than in most women's groups. As one asked: What did Columbus call primitive? Answer: Equal women."
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"Miss Vida' Liam said 'has anyone never told you that you are positively the whipped cream on the sundae of life?'She glared at him.'Anyone ever told you your head is shaped like a pencil?'That is physically impossible,' Chubs groused.'He'd be__'Actually Liam began, 'Cole once did try to__ What?'Oh,I'm sorry,' Chubs said, 'apparently the middle of my sentence interrupted the beginning of yours. Do continue."
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"Don't be more serious than God. God invented dog farts. God designed your body's plumbing system. God designed an ostrich. If He didn't do it, He permitted a drunken angel to do it. Empirical facts can add significantly to the meaning of 'being godlike'."
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"Jokes against the legal profession were what the legal profession loved most."
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"If this is where you ask me to run around in my birthday suit, I'm not entirely comfortable with that, I said, smirking."
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"I could get into bed with James Bond, then take my false leg off and it would really be a gun."
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"Taking crazy things seriously is a serious waste of time."
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"I have always tried to avoid talking to pretty girls, because pretty girls have a vicious effect on me in which every part of my brain is shut down except for the part that says unbelievably stupid things and the part that is aware that I am saying unbelievably stupid things."
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"He was a nice guy, middle-aged, a little tired, like most doctors usually seemed to be, but he just nodded and said, "Let me take a look at him. Shane?""I'm not dropping my pants," Shane said. "I just thought I'd say that up front."
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"What do dogs do on their day off?, Can't lie around " that's their job!"
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"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the universe."
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"Men exist because a vibrator can't fix a flat tire. On second thought, I should just buy a AAA card..."
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"Well then, I guess I'm man enough to admit that I'm trying to get in touch with my inner bitch."
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"I don't believe in God. Just try getting a plumber on the weekend."
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"When it comes to correct English, there's no one in charge; the lunatics are running the asylum."
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"True humor springs not more from the head than from the heart. It is not contempt; its essence is love. It issues not in laughter, but in still smiles, which lie far deeper."
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"That's the spirit! Make it chicken broth or nothing. That's putting the old foot down. If she's determined to have a nervous breakdown, the least we can do is see that she doesn't have it in peace."
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"A man's plumbing is like his mind: simple, very few surprises. You ladies, on the other hand...well, God put a lot of thought in making you."
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"And I tried to remember any case in the course of my reading where two women are represented as friends. (...) almost without exception they are shown in their relation to men. (...) [women in fiction were] not only seen by the other sex, but seen only in relation to the other sex. And how small a part of a woman's life is that."
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"I'm not a vegetarian! I'm a dessertarian!"
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"I personally find that for domestic purposes, the Trivial Pursuit system works better than Dewey."
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"Sure. If she gets mugged, she can just flute them to death."
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"I tried to groan, Help! Help! But the tone that came out was that of polite conversation."
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