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Humor Quotes
"Why are there five syllables in the word 'monosyllabic?"
22
"I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies."
22
"She walked into her bathroom, stripped, and entered the shower.The door opened a minute later to expose Riley standing there, beer in hand.Scraping damp strands of red off her face, she glared at him. "I don't remember giving you an invitation.""You said to amuse myself while you shower." A slow, slow, deliciously slow."
21
"Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words."
21
"Politics I supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first."
21
"I've just been bitten on the neck by a vampire... mosquito. Does that mean that when the night comes I will rise and be annoying?"
21
"Does it give you deja voodoo how alike the houses are?""That's deja vu, and I hate you right now.""For narcing on you to your mom? Wait until you hear what I tell your dad."From the sly grin on his face, she knew what he was thinking."Don't you even think about it.""I could tell him about the time we-""Hell, no."
21
"You're sweet to humor me."He nearly choked on a fry. There was the sweet again. He should have killed someone this week; that would have taken care of that."
21
"My dog can bark like a congressman, fetch like an aide, beg like a press secretary and play dead like a receptionist when the phone rings."
21
"Is sex dirty? Only if it is done right."
21
"Stupidity is not my forte; however, there is immense entertainment value in playing the dumb blonde..."
21
"Why don't we keep that secret? Hunters will lose their reputations if we're seen saving puppies and painting flowers."
21
"I'm super sorry I slept so long. You should've nudged me or something.'Several somethings came to mind."
21
"Busted,' she said. 'You pretend to be all rough and tough, but on the inside you're a big softie.' 'I guarantee you there is nothing soft."
21
"April Fools' is the only day to take people seriously."
20
"There are more stolen bikes in my garage than there are stars in the galaxy."
20
"What a strange world this would be if we all had the same sense of humor."
20
"Life isn't as serious as the mind makes it out to be."
20
"I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."
20
"She gave him a double-birded salute, and he barked out a rusty laugh. I'm laughing. Me. When was the last time that had happened? He couldn't remember. But she kept doing things to amuse him. Shock him, even. Like pulling out a sword and expressing a very real fear about zombies. Zombies."
20
"An assumption is the joke, truth the punchline."
20
"Does your ma know you're this silly?" she demanded tartly.He nodded, comically sad. "The few gray hairs she has on her head are my doing. But" - with an exaggerated change of mood - "I send her plenty of money, so she can pay to have them dyed!""I hope she beat you as a child," Onua grumbled."
20
"You are such a drama llama!" she shouted at her mother. The redhead blinked. "It's drama queen, dear." "No, it's llama..."
20
"I like the English. They have the most rigid code of immorality in the world."
20
"Bast crouched down and began making weird chittering noises. Uh-oh. She was imitating birds. I'd seen enough cats do this when they were stalking. Suddenly my own obituary flashed in my head: Carter Kane, 14, tragically died in Paris wen he was eaten by his sister's cat, Muffin."
20
"If you're going to look back on something and laugh about it, you might as well laugh about it now...Things are almost never as bad as they first seem. Loosen up, girlfriend... you could giggle more in real life."
20
"The point of quotations is that one can use another's words to be insulting."
20
"One Cardinal entered his cathedral for the first time at his funeral."
20
"I'm a tad insane, but I promise you won't forget me."
20
"PHI is one H of a lot cooler than PI!"
19
"Rules for navigating the net, Or people will roll their eye Lest you can't roll the R rect: Literally, don t dink and dive!"
19
"Republics are ungrateful."
19
"I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse."
19
"Kenji has a hand pressed to his mouth, desperately trying to suppress a smile. He's shaking his head, holding up a hand in apology. And then he breaks, laughing out loud, snorting as he tries to muffle the sound. "I'm sorry, he says, pressing his lips together, shaking his head again. "This is not a funny moment. It's not. I'm not laughing."
19
"You trying to make me crazy? "Everyone needs a hobby."
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