"I watch what I eat every day. I mean, who actually eats with their eyes closed?"

Humor, Day, Eyes

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"I watch what I eat every day. I mean, who actually eats with their eyes closed?"

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"Sometimes absurd logic can be amusing and heart-touching."

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"God, you had enough time to have been through it three times. You've been through my stuff. I bet you over and let one of you stick the world's longest finger up my ass. If a prostate check is an exam, that was a motherfucking safari. I was scared to look down. I thought I'd see that guy's finger nail sticking out of my cock."

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"God alert!" Blackjack yelled. "It's the wine dude!Mr. D sighed in exasperation. "The next person, or horse, who calls me the 'wine dude' will end up in a bottle of Merlot!"

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"Monkeys who very sensibly refrain from speech, lest they should be set to earn their livings."

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"Igor?' said Moist. 'You have an Igor?'Oh, yes,' said Hubert. 'That's how I get this wonderful light. They know the secret of storing lightning in jars! But don't let that worry you, Mr Lipspick. Just because I'm employing an Igor and working in a cellar doesn't mean I'm some sort of madman, ha ha ha!'Ha ha,' agreed Moist.Ha hah hah!,' said Hubert. 'Hahahahahaha!! Ahahahahahahhhhh!!!!!-'Bent slapped him on the back. Hubert coughed.Sorry about that, it's the air down here,' he mumbled."

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"This was beyond a joke. This had moved beyond foolishness, slipped over the line into genuine 24 karat Jesus-Christ-I-fucked-up-bigtime territory."

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Explore more quotes by Brian Celio

"Dear disgruntled artists: the key to success isn't kicking down the door; it's building your own."

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"He has your finger, but I have your heart."

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"I imagine the life of an atheistic praying mantis to be rather torturous."

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"I wonder: when a Jehovah's Witness dies and goes to Heaven, does God hide behind the door and pretend He's not home?"

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