"I watch what I eat every day. I mean, who actually eats with their eyes closed?"

Humor, Day, Eyes

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"I watch what I eat every day. I mean, who actually eats with their eyes closed?"

Exlpore more Humor quotes

"Don't panic. Are you sitting? You probably don't need to sit. Well, possibly. At least lean on something."

Maggie Stiefvater, American Author

Humor, Calm, Reassurance, Fear

"Ma'am,' Augustus said, nodding toward her, 'your daughter's car has just been deservedly egged by a blind man. Please close the door and go back inside or we'll be forced to call the police.' After wavering for a moment, Monica's mom closed the door and disappeared."

John Green, American Author

Humor, Police, Interaction, Social

"Silverfish looked down."Oh. Are you a dwarf?"Cuddy gave him a blank stare."Are you a giant?" He said."Me? Of course not!"Ah. Then I must be a dwarf, yes."

Terry Pratchett, English Author

Humor, Identity, Giants, Truth

"What's a philosopher?' said Brutha.Someone who's bright enough to find a job with no heavy lifting,' said a voice in his head."

Terry Pratchett, English Author

Humor, Truth, Happiness, Power, Today

"At this, Gansey rolled over onto his back and folded his hands on his chest. He wore a salmon polo shirt, which, in Blue's opinion, was far more hellish than anything they'd discussed to this point."

Maggie Stiefvater, American Author

Humor, Appearance, Opinion, Judgment

"Reason like a sphere? What type of reasoning does a wooden sphere do?""The circular type, I should think. And, by coincidence, it is my favorite type as well. Perhaps that's why I'm so good at the game."

Brandon Sanderson, American Author

Humor, Logic, Reason, Games

"I liked that he was a tenured professor in the Department of Slightly Crooked Smiles with a dual appointments in the Department of Having a Voice that Made My Skin Feel More Like Skin."

John Green, American Author

Humor, Personality, Identity, Education

"I guess when you turn off the main road, you have to be prepared to see some funny houses."

Stephen King, American Author

Humor, Funny, Houses, Road

"What is it with you today? says Christina on the way to breakfast. Her eyes are stillswollen from sleep and her tangled hair forms a fuzzy halo around her face."Oh, you know, I say. "Sun shining. Birds chirping.She raises an eyebrow at me, as if reminding me that we are in an undergroundtunnel."

Veronica Roth, American Author

Humor, Sun, Birds, Morning

"O, that he were here to write me down an ass! But, masters, remember, that I am an ass; though it be not written down, yet forget not that I am an ass."

William Shakespeare, English Dramatist

Humor, Truth, Life, Identity

Explore more quotes by Brian Celio

"I imagine the life of an atheistic praying mantis to be rather torturous."

Life

"Some people put up a peace sign with one hand. Some people put up the middle finger instead. I use two hands and put up both."

Peace

"Dear disgruntled artists: the key to success isn't kicking down the door; it's building your own."

Success

"Just because you're scarred for life doesn't mean you should be scared to live."

Life

"Chuck Norris doesn't need to understand the work of James Joyce; James Joyce needs to understand the work of Chuck Norris."

Work

"What's love if not the thing you'll do anything and everything to get back once lost? What's hate if not the thing you'll do anything and everything to get rid of once found?"

Love

"Maybe the best way to get people to be pro-life is to start 'em off in amateur-life."

People

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Exlpore more Humor quotes

"Don't panic. Are you sitting? You probably don't need to sit. Well, possibly. At least lean on something."

"Ma'am,' Augustus said, nodding toward her, 'your daughter's car has just been deservedly egged by a blind man. Please close the door and go back inside or we'll be forced to call the police.' After wavering for a moment, Monica's mom closed the door and disappeared."

"Silverfish looked down."Oh. Are you a dwarf?"Cuddy gave him a blank stare."Are you a giant?" He said."Me? Of course not!"Ah. Then I must be a dwarf, yes."

"What's a philosopher?' said Brutha.Someone who's bright enough to find a job with no heavy lifting,' said a voice in his head."

"At this, Gansey rolled over onto his back and folded his hands on his chest. He wore a salmon polo shirt, which, in Blue's opinion, was far more hellish than anything they'd discussed to this point."

"Reason like a sphere? What type of reasoning does a wooden sphere do?""The circular type, I should think. And, by coincidence, it is my favorite type as well. Perhaps that's why I'm so good at the game."

"I liked that he was a tenured professor in the Department of Slightly Crooked Smiles with a dual appointments in the Department of Having a Voice that Made My Skin Feel More Like Skin."

"I guess when you turn off the main road, you have to be prepared to see some funny houses."

"What is it with you today? says Christina on the way to breakfast. Her eyes are stillswollen from sleep and her tangled hair forms a fuzzy halo around her face."Oh, you know, I say. "Sun shining. Birds chirping.She raises an eyebrow at me, as if reminding me that we are in an undergroundtunnel."

"O, that he were here to write me down an ass! But, masters, remember, that I am an ass; though it be not written down, yet forget not that I am an ass."

Explore more quotes by Brian Celio

"I imagine the life of an atheistic praying mantis to be rather torturous."

"Some people put up a peace sign with one hand. Some people put up the middle finger instead. I use two hands and put up both."

"Dear disgruntled artists: the key to success isn't kicking down the door; it's building your own."

"Just because you're scarred for life doesn't mean you should be scared to live."

"Chuck Norris doesn't need to understand the work of James Joyce; James Joyce needs to understand the work of Chuck Norris."

"Love becomes logically true when lost but still sought from the same source."

"True friends: only a few have 'em, but only a few will admit that they don't."

"Don't hate the word, playa; hate the dictionary."

"What's love if not the thing you'll do anything and everything to get back once lost? What's hate if not the thing you'll do anything and everything to get rid of once found?"

"Maybe the best way to get people to be pro-life is to start 'em off in amateur-life."