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Humor Quotes
"The hon. gentleman had better spare his interrogations if they are as senseless as that one."
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"Like almost everyone who uses e-mail, I receive a ton of spam every day. Much of it offers to help me get out of debt or get rich quick. It would be funny if it weren't so exciting."
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"I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humor."
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"If a demon and a vampire mated, their offspring would be unique but in harmony, like a Labrador retriever crossed with a poodle. Voila, labradoodle!But a vemon was a made creature, as if one took the front half of the Lab and jammed it onto the back half of the poodle. In other words, wrong."
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"Suspense is very important. Even though this is humor and they're short stories, that theory of building suspense is still there."
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"Soon I learned that the worse the puns and jokes, the funnier they could be, if you knew how to deliver them."
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"As an old reporter, we have a few secrets, and the first thing is we try the phone book."
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"Perriwickturned to Penelope as he set the tray down on a table. "If I might be so bold, my lady-""Perriwick!" Blake roared. "If I hear the phrase 'if I might be so bold' one more time, as God is mywitness, I'm going to toss you into the channel!""Oh dear," Penelope said. "Perhaps he does have the fever, after all.Perriwick , what do you think?"The butler reached for Blake's forehead, only to have his hand nearly bitten off. "Touch me and die,"Blake snarled."
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"Humor brings insight and tolerance. Irony brings a deeper and less friendly understanding."
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"They were even talking about buying a bodyguard, can you believe it? I mean, what on earth would I look like, turning up with a bodyguard? Actually, I'd look pretty cool and mysterious, wouldn't I? That might have been quite a good idea."
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"Oh, I have plenty of problems with Rabbit, it's just that my comfort level with his name is standing in line behind about a hundred more important things."
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"Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat."
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"How did the hearing go? she asked."We won, sort of, Kaldar said. "We die at dawn."The court gave the Sheeriles twenty-four hours, William corrected."Yes, but 'we die at dawn the day after tomorrow' doesn't sound nearlyas dramatic."Does it have to be dramatic all the time? Catherine murmured."Of course. Everyone has a talent. Yours is crocheting and mine ismaking melodramatic statements."
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"Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer."
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"There are boys you look at and want to touch with your mouth, and there are boys you look at and want to wear one of those surgical masks everyone in China had during bird flu. There are a lot more bird-flu boys at large."
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"Even thought our problems had driven us up there, it was as if they had somehow, like Daleks, been unable to climb the stairs."
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"So,' he says. 'When's the big day? Have you set a date yet?''What?' I startle. 'For what?''For the day you're going to stop being such a dumbass,' he says shooting me a sharp look.'Oh.' I cringe. Kick at the air. 'Yeah, that'll probably never happen.''Yeah, you're probably right.''Shut up."
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"Saying it's hard being straight is like complaining to the poor that it's difficult being wealthy."
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"Mac had many admirable qualities, but not tact. He was the sort of man who would have tried to cheer Napoleon up by talking about the Winter Sports at Moscow."
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"You know, there are just some things you never expect to face even on this job. A flying primate that shoots fire out its nose is one of them."
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"Humor does not rescue us from unhappiness, but enables us to move back from it a little."
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"Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."
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"Food is an important part of a balanced diet."
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"What fun is it being cool if you can't wear a sombrero?"
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"I can't count the men who have tried to seduce me away from my virtue by teaching me how to defend it."
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"What did Finnick Odair want? he asks.I turn and put my lips close to Peeta's and drop my eyelids in imitation of Finnick. "He offered me sugar and wanted to know all my secrets, I say in my best seductive voice.Peeta laughs. "Ugh. Not really."Really, I say. "I'll tell you more when my skin stops crawling."
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"Life would be tragic if it weren't funny."
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"I admit I'm bipolar but if you think I'm stupid you're crazy."
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"Dawson! Ash yelled from below. "What are you doing? Stop! Do something, Adam!Adam's laugh followed. "Someone needed to put Andrew in his place. I always figured it would be Daemon. Who knew."
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"What would a racist call werewolves? Wargs? She kind of liked that one, but suspected that racist bastards didn't read Tolkien."
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"I scoured myself with lye soap from head to toe to get the evil funk of demon snot off me. I have flossed things the gods never meant to be flossed and used things that would be toxic to most living organisms. All to sanitize my body for your chewing pleasure."
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"You have a piercing. "So I do."Didn't that hurt?"A bit."
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"I love poking fun at myself. I have a rather mean sense of humor."
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"I drink much less than most people think, and I think much more than most people would believe."
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"Mr. Wopsle's great-aunt kept an evening school in the village; that is to say, she was a ridiculous old woman of limited means and unlimited infirmity, who used to go to sleep from six to seven every evening, in the society of youth who paid two pence per week each, for the improving opportunity of seeing her do it."
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