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"There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it."
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"I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes."
Water
"Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live."
Heart
"Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler."
Feet
"A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money."
Money
"Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink."
Experience
"Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream."
Fish
"There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation."
Time
"I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home."
Home
"All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women."
Family
"It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it."
Courtesy
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"They liked me so long as the liquor flowed at my house, but I haven't seen any of them around lately."
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Personal Development
"There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it."
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Personal Development
"Prohibition is better than no liquor at all."
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Personal Development
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