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Humor Quotes
"Don't interrupt me while I'm interrupting."
9
"The real satire starts when I'm shockingly mocked,not mockingly shocked."
9
"Where do you come up with these zingers, Clint? Do you own some kind of joke factory in Indonesia where you've got eight-year-olds working ninety hours a week to deliver you that kind of top-quality witticism? There are boy bands with more original material."
9
"Be calm on your wedding day; she won't kill you in front of a hundred people, no matter what you've done."
9
"It is said that whomsoever the gods wish to destroy, they first make mad. In fact, whomsoever the gods wish to destroy, they first hand the equivalent of a stick with a fizzing fuse and Acme Dynamite Company written on the side. It's more interesting, and doesn't take so long."
9
"No mother is ever, completely, a child's idea of what a mother should be, and I suppose it works the other way around as well. But despite everything, we didn't do too badly by one another, we did as well as most.I wish she were here, so I could tell her I finally know this."
8
"When I find that stubbornness continually overrides common sense regardless of the logic of my argument, it seems that the only effective solution is to tell them to go ahead and stick their finger in the socket. And what I find is that what my argument failed to solve, electricity does quite nicely."
8
"That's pretty hot," he said."Punching me in the eye?""Well, no. Of course not. I meant the idea of getting rough with you is hot. I'm a big fan of full-contact sports.""I'm sure you are."
8
"Because I'm on the phone, Mom!''Fooling around with your friends again! Who is that?''Ahmadinejad.''Oh, my goodness! What is he saying?''That he wants to see Jeezy at the Beacon tonight. Putin's going too. He scalped a ticket from Kim Jong Il. All tha gangstas are going.''Don't be so fresh, young man!''Gotta go,' he says to me. 'Enemy forces have dropped a Momshell.''Fall back, solider. Over and out."
8
"A tuna can only boast in a pond, but a whale can boast even in the ocean."
8
"Ah, hell.His peripheral vision was working far too well tonight.His slut of a cousin, his cocksucking, suit-wearing, Montblanc-up-the-ass cousin Saxton the Magnificent, was standing next to the queen, looking like a combination of Cary Grant and some model in a goddamn cologne ad.Not that Qhuinn was bitter.Because the guy was sharing Blay's bed.Nah.Nope. Not at all.The Cocksucker-With a wince, he thought maybe he should switch that insult to something a little farther away from what the two of them ...God, he couldn't even go there. Not if he wanted to breathe."
8
"And Mega has a crush on Chester.''I do not!''Do too, Mega.''He's like, old!''How old, Christian says.''Like at least thirty or something.'Lor laughs. ' Fucking ancient, ain't it, kid?''Dude,' I agree. I like Lor."
8
"Life is a bonfire where everyone else has brought marshmallows, and you-a stick."
8
"Anthony looked down at his evil clutches -- hands, he reminded himself, hands -- and grinned anew."
8
"What's with savage humans always wanting to cannibalize us? Jaden asks as she runs past Summer to check for any more of the Tainted around the corner.'They want to suck your blood, Rob says in a Romanian accent.Jaden snorts. Too bad humor won't help them out of this mess."
8
"So you actually need spectacles, Leo finally said."Of course I do, Marks said crossly. "Why would I wear spectacles if I didn't need them?"I thought they might be part of your disguise."My disguise?"Yes, Marks, disguise. A noun describing a means of concealing someone's identity. Often used by clowns and spies. And now apparently governesses. Good God, can anything be ordinary for my family?"
8
"Your name. That's all I want. I debate on whether or not I should explain to him that my name isn't going to help him in his stalking endeavours."
8
"When we faced Mom, we saw she was addressing Max. 'We get to know each other I'll get to hug you.' 'Mom!' I snapped and Mom turned to me. 'I get to do it when he doesn't have a shirt on too. I'm calling it now,' Mom declared."
8
"The only time I hold my wife's hand tightly is when my wallet is in her other hand."
8
"I liked that he was a tenured professor in the Department of Slightly Crooked Smiles with a dual appointments in the Department of Having a Voice that Made My Skin Feel More Like Skin."
8
"Be calm when your wife yells at you, calmer when she chastens you, but be terrified when she ignores you."
8
"Pg. 231-232: They'd given me a minivan. They could have picked any car and they picked a minivan. A minivan. O God of the Vehicular Justice, why dost thou mock me? Minivan, you albatross around my neck! You mark of Cain! You wretched beast high ceilings and few horsepower!"
8
"Life as a private investigator, slash bounty hunter wasn't all Gary Beck wanted it to be. There weren't any big mansions on a palm beach owned by an affluent writer generous enough to let him live rent-free and use his spare Ferrari. But then you have to ask yourself, what could you expect living on a planet like Deanna? As a third-rate colony in the Terran Empire, Deanna had more than its fair share of dull moments. It orbits a star called Ramalama. If you think that's funny, Deanna's two moons are called Ding and Dong, respectively (this is a local joke) and one of them falls down occasionally."
8
"Hey!' I turned, crossing my arms and glaring. 'I was talking to him!'Tybalt eyed me with amusement, which just made me glare harder. 'No, you were inciting him to stab you with a toothpick. Again, the difference is small, but I think it matters."
8
"Smeagol won't grub for roots and carrotses and - taters. What's taters,precious, eh, what's taters?""Po-ta-toes!" said Sam."
8
"My pragmatic nature, my impatience, will most likely have me drunk on aged spirit by noon."
8
"I was out of salt so I threw pepper over my left shoulder for luck and the poor guy behind me almost sneezed himself to death."
8
"Falling in love is not the problem, hitting your head on the way down is."
8
"An intelligent man only argues with his wife when she has lost her voice."
8
"Don't be on the side of the angels, it's too lowering."
8
"At least I don't look like a Christmas tree.""You look like the star atop the tree."
8
"Bugs never bug my head. They are amazing. It is the activities of humans which actually bug me all the time."
8
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