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"I've been on so many blind dates I should get a free dog."
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Personal Development
"Sometimes absurd logic can be amusing and heart-touching."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I think at its best the American sense of humor is the same as the British sense of humor at its best, which is to be wry and ironic and self deprecating."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I enjoy slaughtering beasts, and I think of my relatives constantly."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Humor distorts nothing, and only false gods are laughed off their earthly pedestals."
Author Name
Personal Development
"You can turn your back on a person, but never turn your back on a drug, especially when its waving a razor sharp hunting knife in your eye."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Alimony: the cash surrender value of a husband."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I've stopped drinking, but only while I'm asleep."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Beware of giggle grins, they are highly contagious."
Author Name
Personal Development
"When I reprimanded my son for hair like Michael Jackson he said: "I don't see the problem you wear yours like Michael Jordan.""
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Personal Development
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"Blue is true Yellow's jealous Green's forsaken Red's brazen White is love And black is death."
Life
"Never make fun of someone if they mispronounce a word. It means they learned it by reading."
Wisdom
"Adversity comes with instruction in its hand."
Growth
"Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I'm pleased to be with you. (Pause) That concludes my prepared remarks."
Social
"You are only old once, but you can be immature forever."
Life
"Better is a dinner of herbs where love is than a stalled ox and hatred therewith."
Life
"Alimony: the cash surrender value of a husband."
Humor
"The whole world knows we have it made in America . . . made in China made in Mexico made in Japan."
Social
"Cheerfulness is contagious but don't wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier."
Happiness
"Make today a gift to your future self."
Inspirational
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