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Humor Quotes
"I like sex for breakfast, kid. I eat early and often."
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"Jocko likes salty, Jocko likes sweet, but never bring Jocko any hot sauce, like with jalapenos, because it makes Jocko squirt funny-smelling stuff out his ears."
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"The greatest irony is that people with Rolodexes are no longer LinkedIn. And if that pun doesn't make sense, don't ask anyone in your Rolodex to explain it."
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"I find it ridiculous to assign a gender to an inanimate object incapable of disrobing and making an occasional fool of itself."
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"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
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"The only stirrups I like are on a saddle."
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"You're only young once but you can always be immature."
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"Tempted to type meaningless twaddle all the time on Twitter...with alliteration, no less!"
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"Apologize v: to lay the foundation for a future offence."
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"The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist Jack."
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"Now what state do you live in?''Denial."
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"And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope."
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"I believe the phrase you're looking for is 'too much money and not enough things to spend it on."
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"Don't draw the line before stupidity. It'll take it as a start."
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"There you have it: our lives in a nutshell. Emphasis on nut."
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"I don't pay attention to the number of birthdays. It's weird when I say I'm 53. It just is crazy that I'm 53. I think I'm very immature. I feel like a kid. That's why my back goes out all the time, because I completely forget I can't do certain things anymore - like doing the plank for 10 minutes."
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"And yes, we do have some food. Maybe you'd like to join us? Unless you want to stick with your sheep sushi."
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"I prefer to make up my own quotes and attribute them to very smart people, so that I can use them to win arguments."
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"When something is dirty you wash it. That's what my mum always said.Yet...When you have dirty money and you launder it, people jump up and down.I guess that's life."
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"Is she special? (asks the gay waiter)' I thinks she's going to break my heart' On arrival of the girl' The flannel is fine honey,but I have'nt seen anyone that over accesorized since batman!"
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"Girl, we need to get you on a study program, fast. You're not going to last a week around here if you can't keep up with the pop culture references. How about Lord of the Rings? Firefly? Doctor Horrible? No? Clearly we have a lot of work to do."
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"You know you've reached a very sad place when the only person who can make you laugh is yourself."
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"Yes, I know," Isadora said, and then read her poem, leaning forward so Carmelita Spats would not overhear:"I would rather eat a bowl of vampire batsthan spend an hour with Carmelita Spats."The Baudelaires giggled and then covered their mouths so nobody would know they were laughing at Carmelita."That was great," Klaus said. "I like the part about the bowl of bats."
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"If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland."
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"I would just as soon have abused the old village church at home for not being a cathedral."
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"I'm Cinderella. No, I'm better than Cinderella, because she only got the prince, didn't she? I'm Cinderella with fab teeth and a shit-hot job."
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"Un sot trouve toujours un plus sot qui l'admire.A fool always finds a greater fool to admire him."
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"I really can't be bothered going to a barber. And shaving every morning, that's nightmarish. I spent my teenage years covered in tiny little bits of toilet paper."
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"Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely."
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"Life is too hard to maintain a constantly serious outlook. You have to laugh at yourself and the world now and then-see humor in undesirable circumstances, even harsh situations-or you will either rot from the inside or go stark-raving mad. Humor is power against the worst oppression. It lightens heavy burdens; it allows one to smile while in agony; it eases excruciating pains. In short, humor makes the intolerable tolerable."
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"One day I'll work out what it is you are saying, my lad, and then you'll be in trouble."
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