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Humor Quotes
"Would you please do me the honor of telling me WHAT THE BLAZES IS GOING ON?"
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"You look disappointed to see me, Zach,' Macey teased. 'Don't you like my jacket?"
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"That's one way we differ, Jaime and I. He's taller as well, you may have noticed."
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"Growth of human hair is the absolute blessing for a barber."
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"I'm a devil at a quick mistake, and when I make one it takes the form of Lead."
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"I'm pro-forwards. Do I want the Seventies to come back? No. The haircuts were terrible. Everyone stank. The food was awful."
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"Bravo," said Grimalkin, peering down from Cold Tom's chest. "The Winter prince and Oberon's jester agreeing on something. The world must be ending."
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"My cousin fell in love with a dom, so I checked into it to see if I needed to kill him before they got married."
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"Damn it. What are we exactly calling a 'masculine problem'? Did he have trouble running the flag up? Or did it fall to half staff?"Do we have to speak about this metaphorically or-""Yes," Leo said firmly."All right. He..." Poppy frowned in concentration as she searched for the right words, "... left me while the flag was still flying."
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"If someone loves sweet things and constantly eats angel s hair tartlets should this be diagnosed as having some sort of heavenly trichotillomania?"
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"Minister: As I was saying, Alex, you can be instrumental in changing the public verdict. Do you understand, Alex? Have I made myself clear?Alex: As an unmuddied lake, Fred. As clear as an azure sky of deepest summer. You can rely on me, Fred."
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"Comedians are people who embarrass themselves in style."
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"People wish for good dreams I wish people don't dream of me."
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"It was Carrot who'd suggested to the Patrician that hardened criminals should be given the chance to 'serve the community' by redecorating the homes of the elderly, lending a new terror to old age and, given Ankh-Morpork's crime rate, leading to at least one old lady having her front room wallpapered so many times in six months that now she could only get in sideways."
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"Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five."
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"Considering what a hot, wed dog smells like, dog stew has a surprisingly savory odor To tell the truth, it tastes pretty good, like oxtail. To be perfectly honest, it's delicious. (Anything about this to my golden retriever, and I'll punch your lights out.)"
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"Am I tough? Am I strong? Am I hard-core? Absolutely. Did I whimper with pathetic delight when I sank my teeth into my hot fried-chicken sandwich? You betcha."
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"The coffee was never served. It boiled over, spattered them all, and wet a costly tablecloth and the baroness's dress. But it served the end that was desired for it gave rise to many jests and merry peals of laughter."
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"Thanks, I muttered and added under my breath, "Douchebag.He laughed, deep and throaty. "Now that's not very ladylike, Kittycat.I whipped around. "Don't ever call me that, I snapped."It's better than calling someone a douchebag, isn't it? He pushed out the door. "This has been a stimulating visit. I'll cherish it for a long time to come.Okay. That was it. "You know, you're right. How wrong of me to call you a douchebag. Because a douchebag is too nice of a word for you, I said, smiling sweetly. "You're a dickhead."A dickhead? he repeated. "How charming.I flipped him off."
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"The English never draw a line without blurring it."
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"If Levi were a dog, he'd be a golden retriever. If he were a game, he'd be a Ping-Pong, incessant and bouncing and light."
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"Well, I said, "you obviously have some power. You chased off those hooligans with rotten fruit. Perhaps you have banana-kinesis? Or you can control garbage? I once knew a Roman goddess, Cloacina, who presided over the city's sewer system. Perhaps you're related? Meg pouted. I got the impression I might have said something wrong, though I couldn't imagine what."
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"The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected."
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"The most dangerous thing in the world is to make a friend of an Englishman because he'll come sleep in your closet rather than spend 10 shillings on a hotel."
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"You're sure your new roommate won't be like the last one who wore tinfoil socks and had a tendency to occasionally urinate in the refrigerator. You're sure you'll pass Math 106 this time around. You're determined to actually join some clubs this year and not just sit around in your dorm eating spray cheese from a can and watching youtube videos about cats."
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"He was the toast to her butter."
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"There's nothing so heavy as books, sir--unless it's bricks."
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"Nay, but prithee, with sprinkles 'pon it instead," I said solemnly, "and frosting of white."
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"Well, that's an evil smile..."
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"If you have to explain your sense of humor, then you are performing for the wrong crowd."
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