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"Considering what a hot, wed dog smells like, dog stew has a surprisingly savory odor To tell the truth, it tastes pretty good, like oxtail. To be perfectly honest, it's delicious. (Anything about this to my golden retriever, and I'll punch your lights out.)"
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"Where did you find that one?''I have no idea. I'm a magnet for crazies, I guess.''They must be able to sense a kindred spirit.''Your one to talk. Don't you have more hordes of the undead to lead in a glorious revolution?''Zombies not undead. There's a fine distinction. And no. Right now I'm scouting new talent. The glorious revolution comes tomorrow."
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Personal Development
"I should curl up in a ball and cry. Instead i think about everything in the whole entire world that makes me angry - There is a lot, oh, there is a lot - and I start singing Justin Bieber at the top of my lungs."
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Personal Development
"Don't panic. Are you sitting? You probably don't need to sit. Well, possibly. At least lean on something."
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Personal Development
"Ah, hell.His peripheral vision was working far too well tonight.His slut of a cousin, his cocksucking, suit-wearing, Montblanc-up-the-ass cousin Saxton the Magnificent, was standing next to the queen, looking like a combination of Cary Grant and some model in a goddamn cologne ad.Not that Qhuinn was bitter.Because the guy was sharing Blay's bed.Nah.Nope. Not at all.The Cocksucker-With a wince, he thought maybe he should switch that insult to something a little farther away from what the two of them ...God, he couldn't even go there. Not if he wanted to breathe."
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Personal Development
"You can't go around... licking things that come out of a water treatment plant. That's just... unsanitary."
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Personal Development
"Ma'am,' Augustus said, nodding toward her, 'your daughter's car has just been deservedly egged by a blind man. Please close the door and go back inside or we'll be forced to call the police.' After wavering for a moment, Monica's mom closed the door and disappeared."
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Personal Development
"Be calm when your wife yells at you, calmer when she chastens you, but be terrified when she ignores you."
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Personal Development
"Was it animal pee or human pee? Someone asked.How would I know? What, am I an expert in the study of pee?"
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Personal Development
"You are so lucky I'm too tired to murder you right now."
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Personal Development
"Did you talk to him about it?""Oh, sure. Nothing happened, yadda yadda. The usual. But my maydar went off like crazy.""Maydar?""As in, he may be thinking about super hot sex with her. Like radar, only not as sure."
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"The more aspects of life that can be moved from private reign to public realm, the better it is for politics."
Politics
"There are a few things that people all around the world need to admit to themselves. Trade restraints slow economic growth, the euro is not a reserve currency, and scoreless sports ties are boring."
Society
"We loved cars until the '70s or so. Then they became appliances. They turned into motorized cup holders. Most of it has to do with urban sprawl. What began as pleasure ends up in necessity, as so many things do."
Lifestyle
"People say, 'Oh, politics is so polarized today,' and I'm thinking... '1861, that was polarized.'"
Politics
"I'm a member of the 1960s generation. We didn't have any wisdom."
Humor
"If death weren't around to 'finalize' the Darwinian process, we'd all still be amoebas."
Science
"Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly."
Family
"I blame feminism and Facebook for the death of the American automobile. I'm a Republican, so I blame everything on feminism - or commies."
Satire
"I spent a lot of time behind the Iron Curtain, and their cars were abysmal."
Travel
"One of the problems with being a writer is that all of your idiocies are still in print somewhere. I strongly support paper recycling."
Writing
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