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Humor Quotes
"I like to see the glass as half full, hopefully of jack daniels."
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"Look at the woebegone walk of him. Eaten a bad egg. Poached eyes on ghost."
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"She washed he hands,then looked at my side. "you haven't even had it stitched?" She said incredulously."I've been rather busy," I said. "With the running like hell and hiding all night."
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"Mary had a little lamb, its fleece electrostatic / And everywhere Mary went, the lights became erratic."
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"I think I found your vampire, Andrew said, except this time he wasn't so amused.However, Gabriella was, her smile huge as she laughed, the sound a trill in the densely packed cold air.'You think this is funny? The words came out surly, but Andrew couldn't stop his lips from twitching over her amusement.'I thought they'd be bigger, she said, stifling another round of giggles. 'Are you okay?'Just a flesh wound."
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"You are not angry with people when you laugh at them. Humor teaches tolerance."
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"It is just like man's vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions."
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"It's an odd thing, but anyone who disappears is said to be seen in San Francisco.It must be a delightful city and possess all the attractions of the next world."
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"Sir, no amount of money, no matter how vast, could induce me to stroll, perambulate, promenade, or engage in any form of locomotion with you whatsoever. Good evening."
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"It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it."
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"Name the greatest of all inventors: Accident."
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"Idiots are of two kinds: those who try to be smart and those who think they are smart."
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"I'm a great admirer of cartoons, because I can't do cartoons."
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"I think I can say with confidence that it's a lot funnier if you haven't actually been attacked by a shark."
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"The wit knows that his place is at the tail of a procession."
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"Conceited people never hear anything but praise."
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"Humor can make a serious difference. In the workplace, at home, in all areas of life ' looking for a reason to laugh is necessary. A sense of humor helps us to get through the dull times, cope with the difficult times, enjoy the good times and manage the scary times."
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"What's SQ? asked Evan.'Sexual Quotient.'What's that?'Basically, it's your odds of getting laid. Everyone has an SQ. just like everyone has an IQ.'I've never heard that term before.'That's because I made it up.'That figures. Finally applying your actuarial skills to what really matters, eh?"
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"Water!' cried Marie.'Vinegar!' recommended the bell-boy.'Eu-de-Cologne!' said Bill.'Pepper!' said Lord Tidmouth.Mary had another suggestion.'Give her air!'So had the bell-boy.'Slap her hands!'Lord Tidmouth went further.'Sit on her head!' he advised."
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"Is that the biggest favor your vocal cords have done to anyone this week?"
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"Sweetie, you don't need to drive me to the brink of insanity... I'm close enough to walk!"
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"He's never known anything like it! But then, he has never known anything to write home about, so this is nothing to write home about."
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"In any other fabric of space-time, my brother would have picked up Dee's venereal disease-infested koala punt and run it straight down the line of vulgarity, all the way to the touchdown of tastelessness."
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"Mind isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be."
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"Irony - The modern mode: either the devil's mark or the snorkel of sanity."
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"There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."
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"You're walking funny," Lucy said, a shit-eating grin on her face. Five days of out of this world sex with a starving man could do that to a girl."You're just jealous." Brenna pushed through the door into DarkRiver's business HQ.Lucy made a mournful face. "Yes, I am. Goddamn but your man is hot. And he smiles at you! I've seen him do it, even if no one believes me."
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"You've baked a really lovely cake, but then you've used dog shit for frosting."
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"Delia was an overbearing cake with condescending frosting, and frankly, I was on a diet."
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"Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else."
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"LIKE THE SUICIDAL RACCOON, I, TOO, WILL FUCK UP YOUR ALIGNMENT IF YOU RUN ME OVER. - T-shirt."
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"One of the world's most tiresome questions is what object one would bring to a desert island,because people always answer "a deck of cards" or "Anna Karenina" when the obvious answer is "a well equipped boat and a crew to sail me off the island and back home where I can play all the card games and read all the Russian novels I want."
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"Later,' Amos said, 'when you're wishing we had this stuff, I am going to merciless in my mockery. And then we'll die."
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"We named the bar The Bar. 'People will think we're ironic instead of creatively bankrupt,' my sister reasoned.Yes, we thought we were being clever New Yorkers - that the name was a joke no one else would really get, like we did. Not meta-get ... But our first customer, a gray-haired woman in bifocals and a pink jogging suit, said, 'I like the name. Like in Breakfast at Tiffany's and Audrey Hepburn's cat was named Cat."
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"If I knew what two and two were " I would say Four!"
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