Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 60/75

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Quotes by Comedian

"My mom and dad are both in stand-up comedy, so that's where I started, that's where I got everything. My roots are holding the mic."

"My mom and dad are both in stand-up comedy, so that's where I started, that's where I got everything. My roots are holding the mic."

Pauly Shore, American Comedian

Father, Dad, Mom, Comedy

27

"When I stopped drinking, it was only because I thought if I don't stop, I'm going to die."

"When I stopped drinking, it was only because I thought if I don't stop, I'm going to die."

Craig Ferguson, Scottish Comedian

Thought, Drinking

27

"In the house in Beverly Hills where our four children grew up, living conditions were a few thousand times improved over the old tenement on New York's East 93rd Street we Marx Brothers called home."

"In the house in Beverly Hills where our four children grew up, living conditions were a few thousand times improved over the old tenement on New York's East 93rd Street we Marx Brothers called home."

Harpo Marx, American Comedian

Home, Brothers, Children, Living

27

"So it took me five years because in the interim I have been doing a lot of personal appearances and movies and some television series that went into the plumbing and I stopped writing for a while."

"So it took me five years because in the interim I have been doing a lot of personal appearances and movies and some television series that went into the plumbing and I stopped writing for a while."

Robert Klein, American Comedian

Movies, Television, Writing, Years

27

"We are rather in the position that used to exist at the BBC, where you feel that you can pick up the phone to people who are experts in their field and they will be very favourably disposed to you and share their knowledge."

"We are rather in the position that used to exist at the BBC, where you feel that you can pick up the phone to people who are experts in their field and they will be very favourably disposed to you and share their knowledge."

Rory Bremner, British Comedian

People, Knowledge, Experts, Will

27

"Nothing would make me happier if Peter Falk would finally win his Oscar for this. Not just as the writer but as a fan and a friend. It would be so great."

"Nothing would make me happier if Peter Falk would finally win his Oscar for this. Not just as the writer but as a fan and a friend. It would be so great."

Paul Reiser, American Comedian

Friendship, Friend, Nothing, Writer

27

"I ask myself why I do it. Maybe it's to prove I'm still around. It takes a lot out of my body. I'm not an NBA player anymore. At my age, very few people can handle it."

"I ask myself why I do it. Maybe it's to prove I'm still around. It takes a lot out of my body. I'm not an NBA player anymore. At my age, very few people can handle it."

Jerry Stiller, American Comedian

Age, People, Body

27

"Nowadays men lead lives of noisy desperation."

"Nowadays men lead lives of noisy desperation."

James Thurber, American Comedian

Men, Desperation

27

"Carrot Top... I gave him advice once and he ran with it. He should thank me."

"Carrot Top... I gave him advice once and he ran with it. He should thank me."

Rip Taylor, American Comedian

27

"Men and women belong to different species and communications between them is still in its infancy."

"Men and women belong to different species and communications between them is still in its infancy."

Bill Cosby, American Comedian

27

"I didn't hang any pictures in my office for a year because I thought that I would be jinxing myself and have to take them down the next day."

"I didn't hang any pictures in my office for a year because I thought that I would be jinxing myself and have to take them down the next day."

Rob Corddry, American Comedian

Thought, Day, Office

27

"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."

"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."

George Carlin, American Comedian

Peace, Fighting, Virginity

27

"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet."

"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet."

Bill Cosby, American Comedian

Truth, Justice, Parents, Quiet

27

"I've started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman."

"I've started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman."

Craig Ferguson, Scottish Comedian

Perception, Mind, Vision, Awareness, Interpretation

27

"Fashion is so over the top."

"Fashion is so over the top."

Ben Stiller, American Comedian

27

"It's an awesome thing to be flung out onto the stage twice a weekend in front of 250 people, and you have to make it up as you go along."

"It's an awesome thing to be flung out onto the stage twice a weekend in front of 250 people, and you have to make it up as you go along."

Joel McHale, American Comedian

People, Weekend

27

"I learn something in the interviews from time to time."

"I learn something in the interviews from time to time."

Samantha Bee, American Comedian

27

"Somehow, by just continually pestering the general public by appearing on television, they accepted me and wanted more."

"Somehow, by just continually pestering the general public by appearing on television, they accepted me and wanted more."

Chris Elliott, American Comedian

Public, Television

27

"I guess because of my act, people think that I say things they want to say, and that they can just come up and say anything to me."

"I guess because of my act, people think that I say things they want to say, and that they can just come up and say anything to me."

Wanda Sykes, American Comedian

People, Act, Want

27

"Ros was dead.He had loved heroin more than it loved him. I was shocked beyond imagining, he was the first of my friends to fall."

"Ros was dead.He had loved heroin more than it loved him. I was shocked beyond imagining, he was the first of my friends to fall."

Craig Ferguson, Scottish Comedian

Insight, Loss, Addiction, Death, Pain

27

"The show I did in England catered to a broad range of people. I like that. I don't want nouveau cult status, though I know we've got that sort of audience in the states."

"The show I did in England catered to a broad range of people. I like that. I don't want nouveau cult status, though I know we've got that sort of audience in the states."

Tracey Ullman, British Comedian

People, England, states, Want

27

"I really detest movies like Indecent Proposal and Pretty Woman because they send a message to women that sleeping with a rich man is the ultimate goal and really that's such a small part of it."

"I really detest movies like Indecent Proposal and Pretty Woman because they send a message to women that sleeping with a rich man is the ultimate goal and really that's such a small part of it."

Laura Kightlinger, American Comedian

Movies, Women, Goal, Man

27

"I made about 28 movies, and I think about five of them were good."

"I made about 28 movies, and I think about five of them were good."

Chevy Chase, American Comedian

27

"That's pretty much why I went into show business because I wanted to have a guitar and sing unaccompanied, that was like my fantasy of the perfect life."

"That's pretty much why I went into show business because I wanted to have a guitar and sing unaccompanied, that was like my fantasy of the perfect life."

Victoria Jackson, American Comedian

Business, Life, Fantasy, Guitar

27

"I think we carry around the idea of being a Kid in the Hall as part of our identity. It's a big part of how we see ourselves now."

"I think we carry around the idea of being a Kid in the Hall as part of our identity. It's a big part of how we see ourselves now."

Dave Foley, Canadian Comedian

Idea, Being, Identity, Now

27

"In the United States I have always believed that there was a big difference between Conservative and stupid. Boy is it getting harder to prove that one by the minute."

"In the United States I have always believed that there was a big difference between Conservative and stupid. Boy is it getting harder to prove that one by the minute."

Rick Mercer, Canadian Comedian

Conservative, Difference, states, United

27

"I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder."

"I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder."

Bill Maher, American Comedian

Religion, Faith, Building, Disorder

27

"He will know from and early age that failure is not disgrace. It's just a pitch that you missed, and you'd better get ready for the next one. The next one might be the shot heard round the world. My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don't."

"He will know from and early age that failure is not disgrace. It's just a pitch that you missed, and you'd better get ready for the next one. The next one might be the shot heard round the world. My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don't."

Craig Ferguson, Scottish Comedian

Failure, Learning, Sports, Success

27

"Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure."

"Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure."

George Carlin, American Comedian

Psychology, Belief, Perception, Truth, Humanity

27

"Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?"

"Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?"

Alan King, American Comedian

Friendship, Friend, Banks, Now

27

"You can sway an audience if you win the women over. The gentlemen will follow 'cause they can be so foolish like that at times, they are easily led."

"You can sway an audience if you win the women over. The gentlemen will follow 'cause they can be so foolish like that at times, they are easily led."

Johnny Vegas, British Comedian

Woman, Women, Gentlemen, Will

27

"Money can't buy poverty."

"Money can't buy poverty."

Marty Feldman, English Comedian

27

"It 's the time of year when Canadians mate."

"It 's the time of year when Canadians mate."

Craig Ferguson, Scottish Comedian

Time, Humor, Life, Cycle

27

"Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys."

"Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys."

P. J. O'Rourke, American Comedian

Government, Responsibility, Risk, Control

27

"Freedom isn't free. It shouldn't be a bragging point that 'Oh, I don't get involved in politics,' as if that makes you somehow cleaner. No, that makes you derelict of duty in a republic. Liars and panderers in government would have a much harder time of it if so many people didn't insist on their right to remain ignorant and blindly agreeable."

"Freedom isn't free. It shouldn't be a bragging point that 'Oh, I don't get involved in politics,' as if that makes you somehow cleaner. No, that makes you derelict of duty in a republic. Liars and panderers in government would have a much harder time of it if so many people didn't insist on their right to remain ignorant and blindly agreeable."

Bill Maher, American Comedian

Citizenship, Freedom, Duty, Politics

27

"I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy."

"I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy."

George Carlin, American Comedian

Emotion, Envy, Observation, Humanity

27

"Theatre sports is the best improv training period."

"Theatre sports is the best improv training period."

Wayne Brady, American Comedian

Sports, Theatre, Training

27

"Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'"

"Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'"

Steven Wright, American Comedian

Humor, Quotes, Irony, Death

27

"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."

"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."

Steven Wright, American Comedian

Humor, Observation, Truth, Absurdity

27

"We had the boy's name picked out, but we didn't have a girl's. When he turned out to be a boy, we were so relieved. Literally, in the middle of contracting and pushing, and with my wife being drugged - out and half - lucid, we were still coming up with names."

"We had the boy's name picked out, but we didn't have a girl's. When he turned out to be a boy, we were so relieved. Literally, in the middle of contracting and pushing, and with my wife being drugged - out and half - lucid, we were still coming up with names."

Paul Reiser, American Comedian

Wife, Being, Contracting, Name

27

"And my marriage was perfect when I wasn't famous."

"And my marriage was perfect when I wasn't famous."

Damon Wayans, American Comedian

Marriage, Famous

27

"There was a lot of Southern Baptist preachers and some yelling ones but mostly we had a pastor who didn't scream and I found a lot of comfort and joy and peace as a child hearing the Bible."

"There was a lot of Southern Baptist preachers and some yelling ones but mostly we had a pastor who didn't scream and I found a lot of comfort and joy and peace as a child hearing the Bible."

Victoria Jackson, American Comedian

Peace, Bible, Comfort, Hearing

27

"I think at its best the American sense of humor is the same as the British sense of humor at its best, which is to be wry and ironic and self deprecating."

"I think at its best the American sense of humor is the same as the British sense of humor at its best, which is to be wry and ironic and self deprecating."

Simon Pegg, British Comedian

Humor, American, Self, Sense

27

"You know, making a movie is a collaborative effort and sometimes all the ingredients don't work out. I know that every now and again I am going to make a movie that won't work."

"You know, making a movie is a collaborative effort and sometimes all the ingredients don't work out. I know that every now and again I am going to make a movie that won't work."

Eddie Murphy, American Comedian

Work, Effort, Now

27

"When I'm in the car, I want the only one shouting to be me."

"When I'm in the car, I want the only one shouting to be me."

P. J. O'Rourke, American Comedian

Self, Control, Expression, Awareness

27

"New Rule: Don't name your kid after a ballpark. Cubs fans Paul and Teri Fields have named their newborn son Wrigley. Wrigley Fields. A child is supposed to be an independent individual, not a means of touting your own personal hobbies. At least that's what I've always taught my kids, Panama Red and Jacuzzi."

"New Rule: Don't name your kid after a ballpark. Cubs fans Paul and Teri Fields have named their newborn son Wrigley. Wrigley Fields. A child is supposed to be an independent individual, not a means of touting your own personal hobbies. At least that's what I've always taught my kids, Panama Red and Jacuzzi."

Bill Maher, American Comedian

Parenting, Individual, Truth, Humor

27

"I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."

"I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

Power, Day, Events, Today

26

"Advertising degrades the people it appeals to; it deprives them of their will to choose."

"Advertising degrades the people it appeals to; it deprives them of their will to choose."

Carrie P. Snow, American Comedian

People, Advertising, Will

26

"I guess happiness is not a state you want to be in all the time."

"I guess happiness is not a state you want to be in all the time."

John Belushi, American Comedian

Happiness, Time, State, Want

26

"I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was... an arctic wilderness."

"I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was... an arctic wilderness."

Steve Martin, American Comedian

Country, Wilderness, Will

26

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