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Humor Quotes
"A head can be beaten small enough until it fits the hat."
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"Probably went swimming and got eaten by a pineapple."
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"The only good thing about people not taking me seriously is that I'm not serious myself!"
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"In general those who nothing have to say Contrive to spend the longest time in doing it."
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"She says: ...love is really all that matters. He hears: ...really love to do it on the mattress."
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"Hey, mister, I don't think so. You go outside and yell at sky, you so angry."
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"I should curl up in a ball and cry. Instead i think about everything in the whole entire world that makes me angry - There is a lot, oh, there is a lot - and I start singing Justin Bieber at the top of my lungs."
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"Getting you a date to prom is so hard that the hypothetical idea itself is actually used to cut diamonds," I added. Radar tapped a locker twice with his fist to show his approval, and then came back with another. "Ben, getting you a date to prom is so hard that the American government believes the problem cannot be solved with diplomacy, but will instead require force."
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"The easiest way to be the prettiest girl at a party is to rig the guest list."
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"He doesn't need a donkey, says Ana Kuya. "He has a wife."
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"I have a great deal of company in the house, especially in the morning when nobody calls."
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"The words 'drink me' come to mind. Anyone besides me up for some heavy alcohol consumption?"
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"What the heck kind of name was Sir?"
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"It's herding kittens. If kittens had a lot of guns and an overdose of neo-Libertarian property theory."
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"Over his own dark Cealdish beard. "Nothing like your marvelous facebear"."
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"I reckon responsible behavior is something to get when you grow older. Like varicose veins."
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"He closed his eyes. The insides of his eyelids were a brownish black, not at all the same as the thick purple of the night. Darkness had so many colors. It was strange, that, and perhaps a little disquieting. But--Oh!-A foot slammed into his left calf, and he opened his eyes just in time to see a woman tumbling backward.Right onto his blanket.He smiled. The gods still loved him."
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"He wouldn't give a duck a drink if he owned Lake Michigan."
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"Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is."
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"Don't that make your bosom plim?"
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"I hate the vamp jobs. They think they're so suave. It's not enough for them to slaughter and eat you like a zombie would. No, they want to be all sexy, too. And trust me: vampires? Not. Sexy."
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"Nice hair.' Olivier turned to Clara, hoping to break the tension.'Thank you.' Clara ran her hands through it, making it stand on end as though she'd just had a scare.'You're right.' Olivier turned to Myrna. 'She looks like a frightened doughboy from the trenches of Vimy. Not many people could carry off that look. Very bold, very new millennium. I salute you.'Clara narrowed her eyes and glared at Myrna whose smile went from ear to ear."
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"Reader: Dear Mr. Snicket, What is the best way to keep a secret? Lemony Snicket : Tell it to everyone you know, but pretend you are kidding."
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"This is the sixty-nine," I told him, presenting the magazine in front of him. I put my fingers -- two of them -- on the action, so that he would not overlook it. "Why is it dubbed sixty-nine?" he asked, because he is a person hot on fire with curiosity. "It was invented in 1969. My friend Gregory knows a friend of the nephew of the inventor." "What did people do before 1969?" "Merely blowjobs and masticating box, but never in chorus."
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"Monsieur, you must be mad!Box Five can never be hadFor money, love or the world ..."
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"I have a pretty large experience of boys, and you're a bad set of fellows. Now mind!"
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"I sat on the bed. Neither of us said anything. I wasn't slick and sophisticated enough for this. What do you say to boyfriend A when he finds you naked in the bed of boyfriend B? Especially if boyfriend A turned into a monster the night before and ate someone. I bet Miss Manners didn't cover this at all."
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"Humans as a whole are but an unwholesome hole with a sorry ass. In short, a**holes."
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"Stupidity isn't punishable by death. If it was, there would be a hell of a population drop."
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"First bubble baths. Now Disney parks. You're shattering every creep vampire myth I've ever heard."
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