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"The moment you have a self at all, there is a possibility of putting yourself first - wanting to be the centre - wanting to be God, in fact. That was the sin of Satan: and that was the sin he taught the human race. Some people think the fall of man had something to do with sex, but that is a mistake...what Satan put into the heads of our remote ancestors was the idea that they 'could be like Gods' - could set up on their own as if they had created themselves - be their own masters - invent some sort of happiness for themselves outside God, apart from God. And out of that hopeless attempt has come...the long terrible story of man trying to find something other than God which will make him happy."
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"Ma'am,' Augustus said, nodding toward her, 'your daughter's car has just been deservedly egged by a blind man. Please close the door and go back inside or we'll be forced to call the police.' After wavering for a moment, Monica's mom closed the door and disappeared."

"I liked that he was a tenured professor in the Department of Slightly Crooked Smiles with a dual appointments in the Department of Having a Voice that Made My Skin Feel More Like Skin."

"What is it with you today? says Christina on the way to breakfast. Her eyes are stillswollen from sleep and her tangled hair forms a fuzzy halo around her face."Oh, you know, I say. "Sun shining. Birds chirping.She raises an eyebrow at me, as if reminding me that we are in an undergroundtunnel."

"In a way, a lot of my humor comes from presenting things that are dramatic or shocking and then people not having socially appropriate responses, having people denying the drama by failing to react to it, and that's a really classic form of humor."

"Ben, if you get pee in my brand-new car, I am going to cut your balls off."Still peeing, Ben looks over at me smirking. "You re gonna need a hell of a big knife, bro."

"Well, while you were in the bathroom, I sat down at this picnic table here in Bumblefug, Kentucky, and noticed that someone had carved that GOD HATES FAG, which, aside from being a grammatical nightmare, is absolutely ridiculous. So I'm changing it to 'God Hates Baguettes.' It's tough to disagree with that. Everybody hates baguettes."

"What are you assholes looking at?" "Nothing," said Radar. "We're certainly not looking at your eyebrows."

"If God had a wife, He would be in trouble too if He dodged His chores."

"When you put on your thinking cap make sure it's clean."
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"I daren't come and drink," said Jill. Then you will die of thirst," said the Lion.Oh dear!" said Jill, coming another step nearer."I suppose I must go and look for another stream then."There is no other stream," said the Lion."

"Faith is the art of holding on to things your reason has once accepted in spite of your changing moods."

"Can a mortal ask questions which God finds unanswerable? Quite easily, I should think. All nonsense questions are unanswerable."

"Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives."

"The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of 60 minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is."

"Men are not angered by mere misfortune but by misfortune conceived as injury. And the sense of injury depends on the feeling that a legitimate claim has been denied."

"There is always hope if we keep an unsolved problem fairly in view, there's none if we pretend it's not there."

"I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else."

"God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing."
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