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Humor Quotes
"To be honest, going out with Ed after Josh is like moving on to Duchy Originals super-tasty seeded loaf after plastic white bread. (I don't mean to be rude about Josh. And I didn't realize it at the time. But it is. He is. Plastic white bread.)"
10
"He was there below me, and, upon my word, to look at him was as edifying as seeing a dog in a parody of breeches and a featherhat, walking on his hind legs."
10
"Did you forget a dentist appointment or something, big guy? Where the hell did you hop off to?"
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"A sens of humor can avoid many misunderstandings."
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"My medication must be wearing off I'm starting to think my jokes are funny."
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"Coraline opened the box of chocolates. The dog looked at them longingly."Would you like one?" she asked the little dog."Yes, please," whispered the dog. "Only not toffee ones. They make me drool.""I thought chocolates weren't very good for dogs," she said, remembering something Miss Forcible had once told her."Maybe where you come from," whispered the little dog. "Here, it's all we eat."
10
"Don't explain computers to laymen. Simpler to explain sex to a virgin."
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"Máma was fond of saying that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels—an aphorism I was pretty sure she'd cribbed from the thinspiration sites she subscribed to online—but I believed that anyone who said such things had never tasted chili-cheese fries with melted cheddar, fresh ground beef, and Tapatío sauce."
10
"Tropical trees had been planted throughout the room, along with bright flowering plants that were busy committing the olfactory floral equivalent of aggravated assault."
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"I have gone into town to buy a few last things we need for the expedition: Peruvian wasp repellent, toothbrushes, canned peaches, and a fireproof canoe. It will take a while to find the peaches, so don't expect me back until dinnertime. Stephano, Gustav's replacement, will arrive today by taxi. Please make him feel welcome. As you know, it is only two days until the expedition, so please work very hard today. Your giddy uncle, Monty."
10
"Just curious,she mouthed."What? I didn't catch that."Jjuussttccuurriioouuss.She drew it out this time, hoping he'd be able to read her lips."If you spoke out loud," he drawled, "I might understand what you're saying."Caroline stamped her foot in frustration, but when it landed, it landed on something considerablyless'flat than the floor."Owww!" he yelled.Oh! His foot!Sorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorry , she mouthed.I didn't mean it."If you think I can understand that," he growled, "you're crazier than I'd originally thought."
10
"But the three siblings were not born yesterday. Violet was born more than fifteen years before this particular Wednesday, and Klaus was born approximately two years after that, and even Sunny who had just passed out of babyhood, was not born yesterday. Neither were you, unless of course I am wrong, in which case, welcome to the world, little baby, and congratulations on learning to read so early in life."
10
"I am in love with you', I responded.He laughed the most beguiling and gentle laugh.'Of course you are,' he replied. 'I understand perfectly because I'm in love with myself. The fact that I'm not transfixed in front of the nearest mirror takes a great deal of self-control.'It was my turn to laugh."
10
"Call me crazy for asking this, but, um, are Lissa and I going with you?""No""No?""No."
10
"What's this?' he inquired, none too pleasantly. 'A circus?'No, Julius. It's the end of the circus.'I see. And these are the clowns?'Foaly's head poked through the doorway.'Pardon me for interrupting your extended circus metaphor, but what the hell is that?"
10
"Sex and a cocktail: they both lasted about as long, had the same effect, and amounted to about the same thing."
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"The difference between your crazy and my crazy is that you don't think you're crazy."
10
"It was suicide, wasn't it?''In an involuntary sort of way,' said Vorob'yev. 'These Cetagandan political suicides can get awfully messy, when the principal won't cooperate.''Thirty-two stab wounds in the back, worst case of suicide they ever saw?' murmured Ivan, clearly fascinated by the gossip.'Exactly, my lord."
10
"I suppose. Mousefur sniffed. 'No doubt it'll be up to me to teach them manners. Kits nowadays don't know how to show any respect.Jayfeather's whiskers twitched with amusement.'Don't you believe it, Purdy whispered. 'She was teaching Lilykit and Seedkit how to reach under the wall of the warriors' den and catch stray tails yesterday."
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"Churchill kept perspective on the crowds that gathered to hear him speak by conceding they would be twice as big if gathered to see him hanged."
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"It is possibly worth mentioning at this point that Mr. Young thought that paparazzi was a kind of Italian linoleum."
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"A prize fight is much like eating an ice-cream.Someone has to take a good licking!"
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"I HAVE MADE THIS FOR YOU. She reached out and took a damp square of cardboard. Water dripped off the bottom. Somewhere in the middle, a few brown feathers seemed to have been glued on. 'Thank you. Er ... what is it?'ALBERT SAID THERE OUGHT TO BE SNOW ON IT, BUT IT APPEARS TO HAVE MELTED, said Death. IT IS, OF COURSE, A HOGSWATCH CARD.'Oh ...' THERE SHOULD HAVE BEEN A ROBIN ON IT AS WELL, BUT I HAD CONSIDERABLE DIFFICULTY IN GETTING IT TO STAY ON. 'Ah...'IT WAS NOT AT ALL COOPERATIVE.'Really ...?'IT DID NOT SEEM TO GET INTO THE HOGSWATCH SPIRIT AT ALL."
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"But it doesn't take a thousand men to open a door, my lord.""It might to keep it open."
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"They are not grey roots! This is my new fifty shades of grey OMBRE hairstyle!"
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"Don't cross me Scooby-Doo. I'm not an old man in a mask waiting to be thwarted by you meddling kids."
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"I hang around kids so people will assume when I act like one it's because I'm babysitting."
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"There had to be a circle of Hell where you were eternally fourteen, eternally in junior high. One of the lower circles."
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"A woman who has a sense of humor possesses no refuge from the merciless truth about herself. She cannot think herself misunderstood. She cannot revel in self-pity. She cannot comfortably damn any one who differs from her."
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