"The thing that bums me out about 'The Real World' is I don't want to believe that teenagers are that stupid."

"If you see me on Friday, you'll see different material on Saturday night."

"I love Mariah Carey. Remember the breakdown? I loved the breakdown."

"I am in love with Larry David."

"I'm always listening and watching; my ear is like a boom mike. And judging, frankly. Constantly judging."

"A lot of stars don't have a sense of humor."

"My act has always reflected what's going on in my life."

"I do road gigs occasionally but I don't want to go out on the road for months at a time."

"That's life when you're on the D-list."

"I don't like doing movies, period. Movies are hard. I like TV."

"A lot of celebrities, especially when you're talking about the really big ones, live in what I call the fame bubble. Nobody ever says no to them or challenges them or even teases them."

"Gwyneth Paltrow names her kid Apple. I'm not going to let that stand."

"The thing that cracks me up is how these reality characters start out thrilled and excited just to be on television, and how they move to thinking they are as big as the Friends."

"My act is based on my life."

"I can say whatever I want. So do not bring the kids. It's definitely rated R."

"So I wonder if anything should ever be off limits."

"I hate it, it is tedious... when I write for my act, it is very improvisational, I write bullet points, I cannot sit in front of a computer; that is not my style."

"No, I love Montreal... I think I love Montreal more than Montreal loves me... I love the food there."

"I also love Mole, the unsung hero of reality programming."

"Well, my whole thing with gossip is I couldn't care less if it's true."

"I'm not always in that good with middle-aged heterosexual men."

"I'm also doing a special for Comedy Central called Autobiography. It's going to be a spoof of Biography."

"The beauty about the D-list is that people who are on it probably don't know they are."

"I think a Celebrity Survivor would be great."

"I have friends who are going through chemotherapy, and they make the darkest, most hideous cancer jokes you've ever heard."

"I love to make fun of fashion because it is just so silly."

"So yes, I say things I regret constantly, and I just can't help it."

"Food is my thing, I do not smoke or drink, so food is my vice."

"But if something funny happens, I can't resist. I have to tell the people."

"That's what I loved about Temptation Island. I don't even know why they did it."

"It was a nightmare having cameras in the house 10 hours a day for a month."