top of page
.png){kind=small}
Quotes by Comedian
"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
16
"The whole idea of government is this: If enough people get together and act in concert, they can take something and not pay for it."
16
"I think in our desire to create a better America, we have to have civilized debate in this country and not just yelling."
16
"I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy."
16
"I don't pay attention to the number of birthdays. It's weird when I say I'm 53. It just is crazy that I'm 53. I think I'm very immature. I feel like a kid. That's why my back goes out all the time, because I completely forget I can't do certain things anymore - like doing the plank for 10 minutes."
16
"There are plenty of problems in the world, and doubtless climate change - or whatever the currently voguish phrase for it all is - certainly is one of them. But it's low on my list."
16
"THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police."
16
"Designing is my hobby. If I didn't do what I do for a living - at some point when I don't do this for a living - I'll probably just do design work. I love finding really special pieces of furniture."
16
"When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them."
16
"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences."
16
"New Rule: If an Evangelical tries to use Halloween to pimp Jesus to kids, they get to egg his house. On Halloween, the president of the American Family Association urged his flock to hand out a Christian-based comic book instead of candy. Excuse me, Halloween isn't a time to push your beliefs. You don't see me handing out pot to kids...Okay, well not the little kids."
16
"I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6."
16
"If government were a product, selling it would be illegal."
16
"I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better."
16
"I have an amazing team; I have amazing producers; I have amazing writers, but at the end of it, it's me making the decisions on the writing, the tone, the editing."
16
"If we stopped calling it profiling and started calling it 'proactive intelligence screening' or 'high alert detecting', people would be saying 'Well, it's about time'."
16
"Whatever it is that the government does, sensible Americans would prefer that the government do it to somebody else. This is the idea behind foreign policy."
16
"Procrastinate now, don't put it off."
16
"If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?"
16
"Fascism is when corporations become the government."
16
"Considering what a hot, wed dog smells like, dog stew has a surprisingly savory odor To tell the truth, it tastes pretty good, like oxtail. To be perfectly honest, it's delicious. (Anything about this to my golden retriever, and I'll punch your lights out.)"
16
"If you ask the government to solve all of your problems, it's a bit like asking your wife to cook and clean, to raise the children, to hold down a second job to help with the family finances, to keep her parents happy and well and keep your parents happy and well, and to also - to do the lawn and clean the gutters."
16
"It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet."
16
"The sign said 'eight items or less'. So I changed my name to Les."
16
"Nancy Pelosi says the angry opposition to health care reform is like the angry opposition to gay rights that led to Harvey Milk being shot."
16
"I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them."
15
"The American political system is like fast food--mushy, insipid, made out of disgusting parts of things...and everybody wants some."
15
"Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take."
15
"New Rule: If you're one of the one-in-three married women who say your pet is a better listener than your husband, you talk too much. And I have some bad news for you: Your dog's not listening, either; he's waiting for food to fall out of your mouth."
15
"The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?"
15
"Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money."
15
"There are all sorts of books offering advice on how to deal with life-threatening situations, but where's the advice on dealing with embarrassing ones?"
15
"Sometimes people think you're smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else."
15
"I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it."
15
bottom of page