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Quotes by Comedian
"Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name."
20
"I was ambitious and desperate to direct my first film, so I capitulated and blew it. Never again. Never fucking again."
20
"Creative people don't behave very well generally. If you're looking for examples of good relationships in show business, you're gonna be depressed real fast. I don't have time for anything else right now but work and my daughter. She's my first priority."
20
"Genius ain't anything more than elegant common sense."
20
"Be kind to your mother-in-law, but pay for her board at some good hotel."
20
"Hey dawg, wassup?' he said, in the strange way that white talent agents from Los Angeles do in an attempt to sound like young black men from underprivileged backgrounds. A linguistic fashion as peculiar as the lisp that everybody in medieval Spain had to adopt after the king developed a speech impediment."
20
"I do love America. And LA is a very short commute to America its like half an hour on the plane."
20
"Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else's expense. And I find that that's just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind, and make people laugh without hurting somebody else's feelings."
20
"I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic."
20
"Jimmy put in a word and told them that if I made it, I wouldn't be able to live with myself without paying them back. That I'd sooner die than owe anyone money for helping me. Apparently Jimmy knew more about me at that point than I knew about myself."
20
"It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot."
20
"On inspection, Gaudi's architecture isn't whimsical at all."
20
"Sports fans eat shit."
20
"Life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The thing everyone should realize is that the key to happiness is being happy by yourself and for yourself. Happiness comes from within. You have the power to change your own mindset so that all the negative, horrible thoughts that try to invade your psyche are replaced with happy, positive, wonderful thoughts."
20
"New Rule: Stop putting psychedelic screensavers on computers. I sit down to check my e-mail, and the next thing I know it's three days later, I'm in the desert, I'm banging on a drum, I'm naked, and somebody's pierced my dick."
20
"Words are all we have, really. We have thoughts but thoughts are fluid. Then we assign a word to a thought and we're stuck with that word for that thought, so be careful with words. I like to think that the same words that hurt can heal. It's a matter of how you pick them."
20
"You're just another american who is willfully ignorant of the big red, white and blue dick being shoved up your asshole every day... The owners of this country know the truth... it's called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it!"
20
"You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going."
20
"The first time probably people really were aware of me, I unfortunately had the title of Showtime's Funniest Person in America. And that's a really tough title to travel around with when you're not even known."
20
"Start thinking positively. You will notice a difference. Instead of 'I think I'm a loser,' try 'I definitely am a loser.' Stop being wishy-washy about things! How much more of a loser can you be if you don't even know you are one? Either you are a loser or you are not. Which is it, stupid?"
20
"Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It's because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time."
20
"I work really hard at trying to see the big picture and not getting stuck in ego. I believe we're all put on this planet for a purpose, and we all have a different purpose... When you connect with that love and that compassion, that's when everything unfolds."
20
"I couldn't wait for success, so I went ahead without it."
20
"It must be around forty, when you're 'over the hill.' I don't even know what that means and why it's a bad thing. When I go hiking and I get over the hill, that means I'm past the hard part and there's a snack in my future. That's a good thing as far as I'm concerned."
20
"I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect."
19
"I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut."
19
"It's funny how cucumber water can taste so much better than pickle juice, even though they come from the same source."
19
"I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything."
19
"The Clinton administration launched an attack on people in Texas because those people were religious nuts with guns. Hell, this country was founded by religious nuts with guns. Who does Bill Clinton think stepped ashore on Plymouth Rock?"
19
"And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope."
19
"My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant."
19
"Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it's worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot."
19
"I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions."
19
"I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share."
19
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