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Quotes by Comedian
"Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it."
13
"I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6."
13
"President-elect Bush spoke in a forceful and candid manner that it is his passion that all children should have access to a first class education."
13
"Do not fuck with gun nuts because they are nuts about their guns."
13
"I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things."
13
"I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally."
13
"I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic."
13
"Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul, now it's trying to save its body."
13
"When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect, then they told me nobody's perfect so I stopped practicing."
13
"On inspection, Gaudi's architecture isn't whimsical at all."
13
"When you need to borrow money the Mob seems like a better deal I think. 'You don't pay me back I break both yer legs.' Is that all? You won't take my house or wreck my credit rating? Fine where do I sign. Legs? Fine. You don't even have to sign anything."
13
"Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid."
13
"The good news is that, according to the Obama administration, the rich will pay for everything. The bad news is that, according to the Obama administration, you're rich."
13
"It makes a big difference in your life when you stay positive."
13
"I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am."
13
"The problem, when comparing contemporary television to television in 1974, is that TV has become not just bad but sad."
13
"TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out to be another day, but we can't be sure. If it happens, I'll be the first to say so. But, you know what? By that time, it'll be today again."
13
"The first time probably people really were aware of me, I unfortunately had the title of Showtime's Funniest Person in America. And that's a really tough title to travel around with when you're not even known."
13
"The idea of capitalism is not just success but also the failure that allows success to happen."
12
"Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance."
12
"I grew up going to public school, and they were huge public schools. I went to a school that had 3,200 kids, and I had grade school classes with 40-some kids. Discipline was rigid. Most of the learning was rote. It worked."
12
"There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords."
12
"Most people sort of enjoy going to work because of the socialisation, a chance to flirt with co-workers and so on, but actually hate the job they do."
12
"The Communist bloc of old was a study in the failure of failure. Losers in the Soviet economy were the people at the end of the long lines for consumer goods. Worse losers were the people who had spent hours getting to the head of the line, only to be told that the goods were unavailable."
12
"Teasing and a sense of humor, if you can develop that in your kids, and if you can exercise it with the kids, just makes for a pleasanter atmosphere."
12
"Designing is my hobby. If I didn't do what I do for a living - at some point when I don't do this for a living - I'll probably just do design work. I love finding really special pieces of furniture."
12
"I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's."
12
"I was ambitious and desperate to direct my first film, so I capitulated and blew it. Never again. Never fucking again."
12
"As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up."
12
"I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath."
12
"There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi."
12
"Hey dawg, wassup?' he said, in the strange way that white talent agents from Los Angeles do in an attempt to sound like young black men from underprivileged backgrounds. A linguistic fashion as peculiar as the lisp that everybody in medieval Spain had to adopt after the king developed a speech impediment."
12
"Gotta have my make up, in case I run into Joey and he wants to beat the shit out of me. Gotta look my best! Maybe he'll punch me repeatedly in the kidneys and the stomach so it doesn't mark up my face. He's so thoughtful!"
12
"Horses and horsepower alike are about status and being cool."
12
"I do love America. And LA is a very short commute to America its like half an hour on the plane."
12
"If we stopped calling it profiling and started calling it 'proactive intelligence screening' or 'high alert detecting', people would be saying 'Well, it's about time'."
12
"More modern poetry is written than read."
12
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380 SL convertible."
12
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