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Quotes by Comedian
"I'm most proud of the blessings that God has bestowed upon me, in my life. He's given me the vision to truly see that you can fall down, but you can still get back up. Hopefully I'll learn from my mistakes and have the opportunity to strengthen and improve the next thing I do."
17
"I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side."
17
"Genius ain't anything more than elegant common sense."
17
"The best way to convince a fool that he is wrong is to let him have his own way."
17
"Every government is a parliament of whores. The trouble is, in a democracy, the whores are us."
17
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again."
17
"I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to 'God' are all answered at about the same 50% rate."
17
"I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show."
17
"If you think health care is expensive now, just wait 'til it's free."
17
"The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it."
17
"And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me."
17
"It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya."
17
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
17
"All religions must be made child-proof. Our teachers' unions have done good work in this field, K through 12. Delaying first communions and bar mitzvahs until age 21 would be another positive step."
17
"I couldn't wait for success, so I went ahead without it."
17
"You guys are the best. I'll see you in a couple of hours. I haven't seen another human being in 13 hours and I'm running out of bottles for my urine. Later guys!"
16
"What do dogs do on their day off?, Can't lie around " that's their job!"
16
"What I have in common with the character in 'Truman' is this incredible need to please people. I feel like I want to take care of everyone and I also feel this terrible guilt if I am unable to. And I have felt this way ever since all this success started."
16
"The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work, and then they get elected and prove it."
16
"Be kind to your mother-in-law, but pay for her board at some good hotel."
16
"There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."
16
"It's never just a game when you're winning."
16
"If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?"
16
"Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time."
16
"I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up."
16
"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."
16
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible."
16
"He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly."
15
"New Rule: Stop asking Miss USA contestants if they believe in evolution. It's not their field. It's like asking Stephen Hawking if he believes in hair scrunchies. Here's what they know about: spray tans, fake boobs and baton twirling. Here's what they don't know about: everything else. If I cared about the uninformed opinions of some ditsy beauty queen, I'd join the Tea Party."
15
"There are some people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying."
15
"The Clinton administration launched an attack on people in Texas because those people were religious nuts with guns. Hell, this country was founded by religious nuts with guns. Who does Bill Clinton think stepped ashore on Plymouth Rock?"
15
"Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius."
15
"Creative people don't behave very well generally. If you're looking for examples of good relationships in show business, you're gonna be depressed real fast. I don't have time for anything else right now but work and my daughter. She's my first priority."
15
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