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Quotes by Comedian
"Seriousness is stupidity sent to college."
24
"If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?"
24
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
24
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible."
24
"Beauty is about being comfortable in your own skin. It's about knowing and accepting who you are."
24
"It is only by the rational use of technology; to control and guide what technology is doing; that we can keep any hopes of a social life more desirable than our own: or in fact of a social life which is not appalling to imagine."
24
"I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?"
23
"There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords."
23
"What do dogs do on their day off?, Can't lie around " that's their job!"
23
"So many people prefer to live in drama because it's comfortable. It's like someone staying in a bad marriage or relationship - it's actually easier to stay because they know what to expect every day, versus leaving and not knowing what to expect."
23
"America wasn't founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damned well pleased."
23
"The Bible has been through at least half a dozen translations by the time you read it. Plus, when the word of God is infected by the hand of man, that is, written down, it is tainted."
23
"If you think health care is expensive now, just wait 'til it's free."
23
"Do you know why hurricanes have names instead of numbers? To keep the killing personal. No one cares about a bunch of people killed by a number. '200 Dead as Number Three Slams Ashore' is not nearly as interesting a headline as 'Charlie kills 200.' Death is much more satisfying and entertaining if you personalize it.Me, I'm still waitin' for Hurricane Ed. Old Ed wouldn't hurt ya, would he? Sounds kinda friendly. 'Hell no, we ain't evacuatin'. Ed's comin'!"
23
"The administration is using the devastation of Hurricane Katrina to cut the wages of people desperately trying to rebuild their lives and their communities."
23
"Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid."
23
"It makes a big difference in your life when you stay positive."
23
"The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions."
23
"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."
23
"New Rule: The White House doesn't have to release the dead Bin Laden photos, but don't pretend we can't take it. We've seen pictures of Britney Spears's vagina getting out of a car. Television has desensitizes us to violence, and porn has desensitized us to people getting shot in the eye."
23
"Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them."
23
"My dad is still Christian Scientist. My mom's not, and I'm not. But I believe in God, and that there's a higher power and an intelligence that's bigger than us and that we can rely on. It's not just us, thinking we are the ones in control of everything. That idea gives me support."
23
"All religions must be made child-proof. Our teachers' unions have done good work in this field, K through 12. Delaying first communions and bar mitzvahs until age 21 would be another positive step."
23
"No matter how popular you are as a stand-up - you can go out and fill a 10,000-seat arena and be smart and funny - it's delicate to host an awards show and know where your place is and know that it's not about you, that it's about the people who are nominated, and respect that, but at the same time have your moment to show them who you are."
23
"I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping?"
23
"Your face makes my soul want to eat chocolate pudding!"
23
"My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada."
23
"The difference between our decadence and the Russians' is that while theirs is brutal, ours is apathetic."
22
"About the only difference between the poor and the rich, is this, the poor suffer misery, while the rich have to enjoy it."
22
"There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi."
22
"Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be."
22
"The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work, and then they get elected and prove it."
22
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