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Quotes by Comedian
"The world can be such a fright, but it belongs to us tonight."
20
"Seriousness is stupidity sent to college."
20
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
20
"You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going."
20
"I don't think there's anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn't fashionable."
20
"The word 'yoga' literally means 'uniting', because when you're doing it you are uniting your mind and your body. You can tell this almost immediately because your mind will be thinking, 'Ouch, that hurts,' and your body will say, 'I know.' And your mind will think, 'You have to get out of this position.' And your body will say, 'I agree with you, but I can't right now. I think I'm stuck."
20
"People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think."
20
"When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?"
20
"Brave Americans in past wars didn't die for the actual flag--they died for the freedom it represents, including the freedom to burn it."
20
"I didn't flee a dictator or swim an ocean to be an American like some do. I just thought long and hard about it."
20
"Love is said to be blind, but I know some fellows in love who can see twice as much in their sweethearts as I do."
19
"They're not pro-life. You know what they are? They're anti-woman. Simple as it gets, anti-woman. They don't like them. They don't like women. They believe a woman's primary role is to function as a brood mare for the state."
19
"Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well."
19
"A good way I know to find happiness, is to not bore a hole to fit the plug."
19
"About the only difference between the poor and the rich, is this, the poor suffer misery, while the rich have to enjoy it."
19
"I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."
19
"It ain't often that a man's reputation outlasts his money."
19
"I love words. I thank you for hearing my words. I want to tell you something about words that I think is important. Words are my work, they're my play. They're my passion. Words are all we have really. We have thoughts, but thoughts are fluid. And, then we assign a word to a thought and we're stuck with that word for that thought. So be careful with words. The same words that hurt can heal."
19
"I'll get to make a lot of money and do some bad sitcoms."
19
"A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. it's only a symbol. It's only a piece of cloth."
19
"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."
19
"The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions."
19
"Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet."
19
"Your face makes my soul want to eat chocolate pudding!"
19
"I come from Toledo, Ohio, a town that has been hurt badly by the shift of the automobile business towards Japan. And yet I remember how the car workers lived in the neighborhood that I grew up in. My father was a car salesman, and I remember how we lived. I remember how modestly we lived."
18
"America wasn't founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damned well pleased."
18
"The Bible has been through at least half a dozen translations by the time you read it. Plus, when the word of God is infected by the hand of man, that is, written down, it is tainted."
18
"The administration is using the devastation of Hurricane Katrina to cut the wages of people desperately trying to rebuild their lives and their communities."
18
"New Rule: The White House doesn't have to release the dead Bin Laden photos, but don't pretend we can't take it. We've seen pictures of Britney Spears's vagina getting out of a car. Television has desensitizes us to violence, and porn has desensitized us to people getting shot in the eye."
18
"I didn't come from a background where I saw a lot of loving couples. All my aunts and uncles were either split up or fighting all the time. The only healthy relationships I saw were on TV."
18
"Political pundits are under professional obligation to regard the obvious as being too obvious."
18
"It is only by the rational use of technology; to control and guide what technology is doing; that we can keep any hopes of a social life more desirable than our own: or in fact of a social life which is not appalling to imagine."
18
"I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect."
17
"Time is only linear for engineers and referees."
17
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