top of page
.png){kind=small}
Quotes by Comedian
"And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me."
27
"It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya."
27
"A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. it's only a symbol. It's only a piece of cloth."
27
"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."
27
"To be known by the public, honestly. People come up and tell them how good I make them feel."
27
"Time is only linear for engineers and referees."
26
"Love is said to be blind, but I know some fellows in love who can see twice as much in their sweethearts as I do."
26
"Boy, these conservatives are really something, aren't they? They're all in favor of the unborn. They will do anything for the unborn. But once you're born, you're on your own. Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception to nine months. After that, they don't want to know about you. They don't want to hear from you. No nothing. No neonatal care, no day care, no head start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing. If you're preborn, you're fine; if you're preschool, you're fucked."
26
"Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well."
26
"I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."
26
"I love words. I thank you for hearing my words. I want to tell you something about words that I think is important. Words are my work, they're my play. They're my passion. Words are all we have really. We have thoughts, but thoughts are fluid. And, then we assign a word to a thought and we're stuck with that word for that thought. So be careful with words. The same words that hurt can heal."
26
"Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper."
26
"I met Elvis first in Las Vegas. I think I was appearing with Tom Jones and he came backstage to say hello to Tom or we went to his dressing room to say hello."
26
"It's even more awkward when we're face to face with people. It used to be exciting to make plans with friends because you could sit and catch up and talk about what's been going on in your lives. Now when you see someone there's nothing left to say. You've already seen the pictures from their trip to Rio on Facebook. You've read their tweets about the latest diet they're on. And they already texted you about the pregnancy scare. So you end up just sitting and staring at each other until you both start texting other people."
26
"There are people worse off than me. I've had a very long run. I'm fine really. I'm just old."
26
"People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think."
26
"When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?"
26
"I'd always thought that if Python was going to go on at all, it'd be nice to get into storylines."
26
"On that same tour we ran into a band at Aylesbury Friars, a biggish venue in Oxfordshire, England. They were a four - piece from Ireland called U2. They seemed like nice fellows and they sounded pretty good, but we didn't keep in touch. They're probably taxi drivers and accountants by now."
25
"I never thought I'd say this, what Obama needs in his personality is a little George Bush."
25
"You're a good example of why some animals eat their young."
25
"It ain't often that a man's reputation outlasts his money."
25
"I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show."
25
"Have you ever heard somebody sing some lyrics that you've never sung before, and you realize you've never sung the right words in that song? You hear them and all of a sudden you say to yourself, 'Life in the Fast Lane?' That's what they're saying right there? You think, 'why have I been singing 'wipe in the vaseline?' how many people have heard me sing 'wipe in the vaseline?' I am an idiot."
25
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
25
"I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up."
25
"You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going."
25
"Be kind to one another. Bye, bye."
25
"When I look at the Gospel, I see how it is speaking to me at this time. I see how to be to others and it helps."
Time,
25
"A good way I know to find happiness, is to not bore a hole to fit the plug."
24
"I come from Toledo, Ohio, a town that has been hurt badly by the shift of the automobile business towards Japan. And yet I remember how the car workers lived in the neighborhood that I grew up in. My father was a car salesman, and I remember how we lived. I remember how modestly we lived."
24
"Gotta have my make up, in case I run into Joey and he wants to beat the shit out of me. Gotta look my best! Maybe he'll punch me repeatedly in the kidneys and the stomach so it doesn't mark up my face. He's so thoughtful!"
24
bottom of page