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Humor Quotes
"If God meant for people to fly, He would have given them brains."
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"He [Iggy] started reaching for things around the table, and his hand landed on Total. "You're black."I prefer canine-American, said Total."
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"Thanks for the nice introduction. Next to my resume that's the closest I'll ever come to perfection."
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"A man in love is an awful sight."
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"If Jarod Kintz was a cat, he'd stalk people silently and deadly. Right now, all he does is bark at them for no good reason, like all the good people do."
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"Did you hear what I was playing, Lane?I didn't think it polite to listen, sir."
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"Quaint and picturesque, though I didn't voice my opinion out loud. Keirran and Annwyl were faeries, and Kenzie was a girl, so it was okay for them to notice such things. as a card-carrying guy club, I wasn't going to comment on the floral arrangements."
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"I like to be somewhere at least where you can see a few girls around once in a while, even if they're only scratching their arms or blowing their noses or even just giggling or something."
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"The Rum Tum Tugger is a Curious Cat:If you offer him pheasant he would rather have grouse.If you put him in a house he would much prefer a flat,If you put him in a flat then he'd rather have a house.If you set him on a mouse then he only wants a rat,If you set him on a rat then he'd rather chase a mouse.Yes the Rum Tum Tugger is a Curious Cat -And there isn't any call for me to shout it:For he will doAs he do doAnd there's no doing anything about it!"
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"He and I had an office so tiny that an inch smaller and it would have been adultery."
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"Velvet looks horrified. 'If you are fool enough to address King R'jan, you will do it thus and in no other manner! 'My King, Liege, Lord, and Master, your servant begs you grant it leave to speak.''Wow. Totally delusionary there.'Good luck with that, Ryodan says. 'She doesn't beg to speak, or do anything else. You can lock her up, down, and sideways and it's never going to happen.I beam at him. I had no idea he thought so highly of me."
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"We're playing Scrabble. It's a nightmare.""Scrabble?" He sounds surprised. "Scrabble's great.""Not when you're playing with a family of geniuses, it's not. They all put words like 'iridiums'. And I put 'pig'."
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"Gussie, a glutton for punishment, stared at himself in the mirror."
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"One fine day, in the middle of the night, two dead boys got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other. They pulled out their swords and shot one another. One deaf cop, on the beat heard the noise, and came and shot the two dead boys."
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"The best scary movies have great humor in them and a great story."
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"I ain't grouchy, Teft snapped. "I just have a low threshold for stupidity."
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"If sex were food, Rhage would have been morbidly obese."
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"Remind me not to piss you off Red. You might aim for the heart and shoot me in the balls."
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"Jocks usually aren't smart. Their muscles feast on their brains."
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"Mr Gray didn't care much for Jonesy's body (or so he told himself; in truth it was hard not to feel at least some affection for something capable of providing such unexpected pleasures as 'bacon' and 'murder'), but it did have to take him another couple of hundred miles."
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"Grabbing a scarf off the chair, I threw it at him. He caught it, clutching it to his chest as he flew into the air. "You gave Tink a scarf. Tink is free!" He flew out into the hallway like a little cracked-out fairy, screeching, "Tink is freeeeee!"Ren looked at me. "What the actual f**k?"I sighed. "He's obsessed with Harry Potter. I'm sorry."Tink darted back into the room, holding the scarf to his bare chest. "There is no reason to apologize when it comes to Harry Potter.""You do remember what happened to Dobby, right?" I said."S**t." Tink's eyes widened and he dropped the scarf."
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"Better to have one woman on your side than ten men."
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"I Don't Suffer From A Complex But The Complex Suffers From Me."
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"Asked what would be his idea of Heaven, one statesman in 1897 said it would be to "receive a flow of telegrams alternating news of a British victory by sea and a British victory by land."
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"Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right."
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"It's unpleasantly like being drunk." "What's so unpleasant about being drunk?" "You ask a glass of water."
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"A few seconds after he stepped out into the hallway and closed the door behind him, there was a fleshly smack and then Andrew yelling, "Ouch. What in the hell was that for? "Your timing sucks on an epic level, Daemon shot back."
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"Wondering where Ranger was now, when I needed him. Why wasn't he here, insisting on locking me up in a safe house? Now that my hamster's cage was clean, I'd be happy to oblige."
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"Juliet's version of cleanliness was next to godliness, which was to say it was erratic, past all understanding and was seldom seen."
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"In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to them in French! We never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language."
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"Personally, I like it much better when someone else does the decision making. That way you have legitimate grounds to whine and complain. I tend to find both whining and complaining quite interesting and amusing, though sometimes--unfortunately--it's hard to choose which one of the two I want to do.Sigh. LIfe can be so tough sometimes."
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"Have you slept yet?''Sure. I took a power nap on the way over.''Didn't you drive there?''Yeah. Other drviers kept waking me up. Car horns should be illegal.'- Charley & Cookie."
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"Thrilled that Reyes and I were outside, and taking that as her cue to get her freak on, Artemis ran around like a gerbil on meth, turning occasionally to make sure we were still watching. And God help us if we weren't."
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