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"Were it not for my little jokes I could not bear the burdens of this office."
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"If it weren't for the last minute nothing would get done."
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Personal Development
"A tie is what you get after ice cubes have wrestled with hot water."
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Personal Development
"Your party kicked so much ass!Even though you suck so much! It's like, instead of blood, your heart pumps liquid suck! But thanks for the beer!"
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Personal Development
"Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions."
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Personal Development
"The moment you have a self at all, there is a possibility of putting yourself first - wanting to be the centre - wanting to be God, in fact. That was the sin of Satan: and that was the sin he taught the human race. Some people think the fall of man had something to do with sex, but that is a mistake...what Satan put into the heads of our remote ancestors was the idea that they 'could be like Gods' - could set up on their own as if they had created themselves - be their own masters - invent some sort of happiness for themselves outside God, apart from God. And out of that hopeless attempt has come...the long terrible story of man trying to find something other than God which will make him happy."
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Personal Development
"I used to think that size does not count, until I realized that most people either find other people's faeces more disgusting than a bird's droppings, or they do not find the latter disgusting at all."
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Personal Development
"Maybe humans are just the pet alligators that God flushed down the toilet."
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Personal Development
"The real satire starts when I'm shockingly mocked,not mockingly shocked."
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Personal Development
"They are fond of fun and therefore witty, wit being well-bred insolence."
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Personal Development
"Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is."
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Personal Development
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"I was a little cross.I ask pardon. If I do get up a little temper I have no sufficient time to keep it up."
Emotion
"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."
Happiness
"Do not worry eat three square meals a day say your prayers be courteous to your creditors keep your digestion good exercise go slow and easy. Maybe there are other things your special case requires to make you happy but my friend these I reckon will give you a good life."
Wellness
"A friend is one who has the same enemies as you have."
Friendship
"I desire to so conduct the affairs of this administration that if at the end ... I have lost every friend on earth I shall have one friend left and that friend shall be down inside me."
Leadership
"All my life I have tried to pluck a thistle and plant a flower wherever the flower would grow in thought and mind."
Wisdom
"We here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain that this nation under God shall have a new birth of freedom and that government of the people by the people and for the people shall not perish from the earth."
Politics
"It is difficult to make a man miserable while he feels worthy of himself and claims kindred to the great God who made him."
Religion
"I am naturally anti-slavery. If slavery is not wrong, nothing is wrong."
Justice
"I have found that most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."
Happiness
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