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Humor Quotes
"Be calm when your wife yells at you, calmer when she chastens you, but be terrified when she ignores you."
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"I'm a great admirer of cartoons, because I can't do cartoons."
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"Never deviate from the path unless you are going to make love in the bushes ....."
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"The best scary movies have great humor in them and a great story."
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"Niagara ... is the first disappointment in the married life of many Americans who spend their honeymoon there."
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"This is the first convention of the space age - where a candidate can promise the moon and mean it."
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"Smeagol won't grub for roots and carrotses and - taters. What's taters,precious, eh, what's taters?""Po-ta-toes!" said Sam."
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"I turned and found Dionysus standing there, still in his black suit.Walk with me, he said.Where to? I asked suspiciously.Just to the campfire, he said. "I was beginning to feel better, so Ithought I would talk with you a bit. You always manage to annoy me.Uh, thanks."
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"Better to have one woman on your side than ten men."
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"I would rather decline two drinks than one German adjective."
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"Is somethin' wrong?" said Daft Wullie."Aye!" snapped the kelda. "Rob willnae tak' a drink o' Special Sheep Liniment!"Wullie's little face screwed up in instant grief."Ach, the Big Man's deid!" he sobbed. "Oh waily waily waily - "Will ye hush yer gob, ye big mudlin!" shouted Rob Anybody, standing up. "I am no' deid! I'm trying to have a moment o' existential dreed here, right? Crivens, it's a puir lookout if a man cannae feel the chilly winds o' Fate lashing aroound his nethers wi'out folks telling him he's deid, eh?"
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"Once he gets to the fort the colonel turns to John Wayne and says, "I did see a few Indians on the way over here." And John Wayne, with this really cool look on his face, replies, 'Don't worry. If you were able to spot some Indians, that means there weren't any there.' I don't remember the actual lines, but it went something like that. Do you get what he means?"
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"If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland."
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"People who are not blessed with the ability to make others laugh compensate for that by saying (or trying to say) things that are profound."
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"I would just as soon have abused the old village church at home for not being a cathedral."
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"Juliet's version of cleanliness was next to godliness, which was to say it was erratic, past all understanding and was seldom seen."
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"Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words."
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"Politics I supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first."
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"Joe Barbera's s always complaining that he can't get humor into cartoons anymore. Just do it. You've got your money. Why do they let the networks run their lives?"
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