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"There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all."
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"The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing."

"Roused by the lash of his own stubborn tail our lion now will foreign foes assail."

"The month of January, we were number one. Now, this is something we're proud of, because we recognize we're up against a formidable operation there at CNN."
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"In all affairs it's a healthy thing now and then to hang a question mark on the things you have long taken for granted."

"If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative."
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"It is a cliche these days to observe that the United States now possesses a global empire - different from Britain's and Rome's but an empire nonetheless."

"We knew Chris Matthews had no shame. Now we also know the king of TV ghouls has no souls."
Explore more quotes by Robert Orben

"Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards."

"I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself."

"Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price."

"Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet."
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